Category: Blog

Los Angeles, CA–Sharon, a reader, writes:

Dear Glenn,

I received the attached email with the “divorce cakes” pictures from a friend who was previously divorced.

Being married to my husband for over 25 years, I understand that those who have gone through divorce often have “issues” with their former spouses. However, although the email came to me, with “Too Freakin’ Funny” as a notation, I wasn’t laughing. Actually, I was appalled because the majority of the “cakes” feature women who have seriously injured their former spouses.”

I would also note that in each case where one spouse has “seriously injured their former spouse,” the perpetrator is the wife and the victim is the husband.

Were the genders reversed, of course, it wouldn’t be humorous–it would be “sexist” and reflective of “our society’s encouragement of violence against women.”

The cakes also reflect a common theme in our society–when there’s a divorce, it’s his fault and she is justified in being outraged and wanting her revenge.

Los Angeles, CA–Not overtly father-bashing but it’s irksome that the absent father is implicitly not dependable.

Funny how it’s the other kid’s mom who worries over the kid and does the right thing and it’s this kid’s dad who will be showing up quite late, if at all.

If Liberty Mutual has an ad featuring a loving dad who has to pick up the slack for an irresponsible or uncaring mom, I must have missed it.

To watch the video, click here or see below. Thanks to Robert, a reader, for sending it.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTqSQleU0Ms]

Los Angeles, CA–From prison Syrian poet and journalist Faraj Bayrakdar (pictured), an honorary member of English PEN, wrote a sad reflection on his daughter and fatherhood. In A Father to the Point of Tears he writes:

I”m not sure whether I”ve been a success or a failure at being a father.

In truth, my circumstances have not made it possible for me to delve thoroughly into this topic. I went into hiding as soon as my daughter was born, and I was arrested before she was four years old. I spent the first five years of my detention with no access to news and no visits. In spite of all that, I feel that I am a father to the point of tears.

When I was in hiding, I used to see my daughter from time to time. I used to call her name and she would respond with one of the many pseudonyms that I have adopted and changed according to different situations.

I taught her never to call me “Baba’ (Dad) in front of anyone. She was very good at following this precaution except when she wanted something specific. For example, if her mother refused to let her buy soda pop, she would turn to me, and like a broken record would repeat, “Baba, Baba, Baba’ in a loud and insistent voice. She wouldn”t stop until she got her wish or at least extracted a promise that she would eventually get what she wanted. 

After her mother was arrested, I saw my daughter only twice.

My biggest fear when my daughter was with me was that my safety would be threatened and I would have to flee. I worried about having to leave her alone when she knew only my nom de guerre, when she could barely pronounce her own name properly. I feared then that she might be lost to me forever.

My daughter had a small suitcase at that time. I have no idea who had given it to her, but she seemed so careful about keeping track of it.

I opened the suitcase and placed a small piece of paper inside. On this paper, I had written clearly my daughter”s full name and my family”s address. I emphasized to my daughter that she should never tear or damage this piece of paper.

On that particular day, I had to take care of some business that made it difficult for my daughter to stay with me. So I left her with a woman friend who agreed to find someone to bring my daughter back to me in the evening. When my daughter returned, both the paper and the suitcase were gone! 

“Where”s the paper, sweetheart?’ I asked.

Raising her empty palms in the air, she declared, “Gone.’

That was the last image I had of my daughter before I was apprehended.

She would always ask me about her mother. Her voice would grow hoarse and her eyes would plead with me. At times like these, one”s throat contracts, and it is impossible to hold back the tears. That is how my little one would expose my weakness.

When I was first apprehended, I felt as if I had run away from all her questions. But no sooner would my interrogations cease than her questions about her mother would haunt me, and I would begin pounding on the cell walls.

What could I do, my daughter, when I was so powerless?…

Eventually, the cumulative years of living in destructive anxiety cloaked everything with a thick layer of numbness. This lasted until one day when we received a large collection of photographs.

The prisoners claimed all the pictures but one. This last photograph was passed around from one to the other in the hope that someone would identify it.

Continue reading “From Prison, a Political Prisoner Writes about His Daughter”

Bristol, CT–A nice story which kind of reminds me of how protective my son is of his little sister. When he’s not teasing her, that is. From 5-Year-Old Saves Sister From Hanging (WFSB, 6/27/08):

Trevor Caron didn’t waste any time when he saw his younger sister hanging with beads around her neck.

“I thought Hannah would die in three more seconds,’ he said. “But then that’s when I got off my bed and ran to Hannah and saved Hannah’s life.’

With his grandmother in the other room, Trevor said he was watching television when he heard his 2-year-old sister choking. He said he turned around and saw her dangling above the floor, her face turning white.

Nancy Caron, Trevor and Hannah”s mom, was at work when she got the call about what happened. She said she didn’t even know how serious it was until she came home, saw the mark on Hannah’s neck and took her to the doctor.

“Her doctor looked at her and said my son saved her life,’ she said. “It was very close. She was seconds away from passing out.’

Read the full article and watch the video article here.

Thanks to Mark, a reader, for sending it.

Long Beach, CA–The media frequently devotes much attention to mothers who are separated from their children by deportation actions. The treatment is usually highly sympathetic to the mothers. When fathers are deported away from their children, little attention is paid. Even when the media covers the issue, there is little handwringing, as evidenced in a recent straight-facts story from the Los Angeles Times–Custody case of Long Beach boy complicates deportation of illegal immigrant (6/30/08).

The story details the case of Michael Campo, a 10-year-old Los Angeles boy whose father Carlos Alvarado is an illegal immigrant. Alvarado is fighting deportation proceedings, saying that he should be allowed to stay in the U.S. because of his son. According to the Times:

Alvarado sneaked across the Mexican border in 1991. He and Marla Campo met about five years later and she gave birth to Michael in October 1997. After a few years, the couple separated. In 2003, Campo disappeared with Michael. Alvarado called police, who tracked her down…the couple returned to court and the judge gave the parents joint legal custody…Michael spends every weekend with his father. Alvarado pays child support and pays for Michael’s health insurance.

Alvarado’s trial in immigration court took place in June 2005. The judge ruled that he could stay in the U.S…The government attorney appealed the case, saying in court papers that ‘this separation is no different than if [Alvarado] relocated to another state in the U.S.'”

Read the full article here. A few points:

1) The government attorney’s argument in favor of deporting the father–“this separation is no different than if [Alvarado] relocated to another state in the U.S.”–is ludicrous. Forcing Carlos Alvarado to move back to Mexico will drive a huge wedge between him and his son, and the relationship might be lost altogether. Consider:

Carlos Alvarado will be unable to visit his son in the United States

Alvarado is dependent upon the child being sent by the custodial mom to visit him in Mexico. She may not do this–she already kept the child away from his father in the past, and may well do so again.  Though the exes are getting along well right now, that could change. We also can’t help noticing that the mother gave the child her last name, not his father’s. Moreover she is already saying she doesn”t feel safe sending him to a border town in Mexico.

Carlos Alvarado will have far less income available to him to spend on visiting his son, communicating with him, buying him gifts, etc.

2) There are many exceptions made in immigration cases. The most notable one is for women who claim to be victims of domestic violence. The Violence Against Women Act provides allegedly battered immigrant women a way to become US residents. For example, women in deportation proceedings can claim domestic violence and get a “cancellation of removal” and obtain residency.

We have mixed emotions about this VAWA provision. We certainly favor aiding battered women, but we know from family court how frequently false claims are made in order to gain advantages. Regardless, if we can make an exception to immigration laws for allegedly battered wives, we should also be able to make exceptions to protect a 10-year-old boy from losing his father.

3) Let’s look at it from another angle. First, let’s disregard the human factor. Second, let’s assume that illegal immigrants really are harmful to the US–a debatable assertion, but let’s use it for the purposes of this argument. Looking at this case only in light of dollars and cents, the father still should be allowed to stay in the US. Why? Consider:

a) The boy is a U.S. citizen–whatever problems he encounters or creates, the US will have to deal with them. The boy is far less likely to become involved in crime or drugs, drop out of school or become a burden to society if he has a dad in his life than if he doesn’t. All of those cost the taxpayer money–allowing Alvarado to stay would probably save taxpayers money in the long run.

b) The father pays child support and also pays for the boy’s health insurance. If he’s deported, both will cease, and the taxpayers will likely end up footing the bill.

4) If Alvarado is deported, he might also face child support enforcement action. He would have to get a downward modification of his child support based on his new, lower earnings in Mexico, which isn’t easy to do for anybody, much less a low-income man living in Mexico. Arrearages will mount. Even if he finds legal ways to return to the US to see his child, marry, or work, he will be subject to arrest for child support arrearages. It is even possible that an extradition treaty with Mexico exists such that he will be arrested and brought to the US for child support arrearages.

Any way you look at this, everyone is better off if this hardworking and devoted dad is allowed to stay in the US  — the child, the mom, the dad, his employer, and the US taxpayer.

Troup, GA–Post-divorce move-ways often terminate the bond between the children and the noncustodial parent, generally the father. (To learn more about move-aways/relocation cases, see my co-authored column Is a Pool More Important than a Dad?, San Francisco Chronicle, 5/4/04, or click here.)

Recently I received a letter from Wendy, who told me about her husband’s move-away case. Beyond being very sad, it illustrates a point I often make about move-aways–once the mother has moved the kids away, it is very difficult to get her to comply with court orders.

Wendy writes:

In 2001 a Georgia court allowed my husband’s ex-wife to take their four year old daughter to Australia on a one to two year “work assignment.”  Since then she has been fired by the company she went to Australia to work for, has worked for two other companies, dragged my husband back to Court when he got behind on his child support and stated that she was living with a man and had no intention of returning to the United States. The Court said, “OK”. 

Georgia (Troup County) should be ashamed of themselves.  My husband has never had his daughter on her birthday, Father’s Day or Christmas.  He is allowed to visit her twice a year in Australia (who has that kind of money or vacation time) for two weeks (which he has to forfeit because he can’t afford to go) and his ex is required to bring her back to the US twice a year for two weeks each (he never gets two weeks as she takes four days travel time out of each visit). 

It is the most horrendous, ridiculous situation I have ever been witness to!  My husband has been forced through bankruptcy, fought depression and it almost ruined our marriage. His daughter will be twelve years old this year.

Birmingham, AL–In the story below, Alabama family law attorney Stewart Springer got some justice for a former legislator who was arrested on false DV charges shortly before an election in which he lost his seat.

Former Alabama state Rep. Eric Major (pictured), the target of the accusations, called it “dirty politics.” He explains:

“They tried to ruin my political career and put a stain on my good name…I’ve said from the very beginning that it was not right how I was treated. I wanted to make sure this does not happen to anyone else.”

From Major wins $500,000 in lawsuit (Birmingham News, 11/10/07):

Former state Rep. Eric Major won a $500,000 civil jury award Friday against the city of Birmingham stemming from his 2004 arrest and acquittal on charges that he physically attacked his ex-fiancée.

Friday’s verdict was the second in Major’s favor in the case. In March 2006, a Jefferson County District Court jury found him not guilty of a misdemeanor criminal charge of domestic violence.

“I’ve said from the very beginning that it was not right how I was treated,” Major said Friday. “I wanted to make sure this does not happen to anyone else.”

Major also repeated his claim that his arrest was part of a political vendetta against him by his accuser-a former chief to staff to County Commissioner Shelia Smoot-and Birmingham and county officials. The criminal trial took place a week before he qualified to seek re-election for the District 55 seat, which he lost in a primary runoff.

“It was dirty politics,” he said Friday. “They tried to ruin my political career and put a stain on my good name. This puts it to rest.”

Major was arrested after his former fiancée, Shamanda Joseph, told a Birmingham police officer that Major had hit and choked her after the Prince concert on April 29, 2004. After he was acquitted on the criminal charge, Major filed a civil lawsuit against Joseph, arresting officer Al Anger and the city of Birmingham.

In a trial this week in the courtroom of Circuit Judge Tom King Jr., the jury ruled in Anger’s favor. Joseph was dismissed as a defendant at the beginning of the trial.

The jury, however, agreed with Major’s claim that his civil rights had been violated.

Alabama law normally sets a $100,000 cap on compensatory damages against municipalities. But a 1992 federal case from Alabama said the cap does not apply in state suits brought under the federal civil rights law Major cited in his lawsuit.

“We’ll make the appropriate post-trial motions and, if necessary, any appeals,” said Tom Bentley, the Birmingham assistant city attorney who tried the case.

“Justice, total justice,” Stewart Springer, Major’s lawyer said of the civil verdict. “Eric was abused. He was treated like a common criminal, like a dog. They called him names. Domestic violence laws and the way people are treated in the city of Birmingham need to be changed.”

Major said domestic violence is an awful crime.

“I’m against domestic violence,” he said. “But it should be more than someone making an allegation. I did nothing wrong.”