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Prominent Christian Conservative Speaks out for Shared Parenting

I’ve criticized Christian conservatives on numerous occasions for their often meager efforts to defend marriage and fatherhood from the ravages of our current family law system. I’ve also criticized them for focusing on sideshow family issues like gay marriage, as well as their sometimes mean-spirited attitude towards gays. For some examples, click here.

I’m pleased to say that there are indications that some leading religious figures are starting to address real family issues, such as divorce, custody, and the way millions of fathers have been driven out of the lives of the children who love and need them. One of them is Michael McManus, the founder of Marriage Savers. His group works with troubled couples, and his program is said to have helped save 100,000 marriages over the past couple decades.

I’ve previously praised McManus for his efforts to help struggling couples and prevent divorce–for one example, click here.

Over the past 12 or 18 months, McManus has been increasingly vocal about the need to meaningfully address the family law system and divorce, and he has endorsed Shared Parenting. In McManus’ new Marriage Savers Report Card 2007, he writes:

“If parents agree to a divorce, they should have equal access to children – Joint Custody or Shared Parenting. Today’s norm of Sole Custody removes one parent from the lives of their children, I argued. However, of the six states that passed the strongest Joint Custody laws, five experienced the largest drops in the divorce rate: Montana, Kansas, Connecticut, Idaho and Alaska. Why? ‘If a parent knows they will have to interact with the child’s other parent while the child is growing up, there is less incentive to divorce,’ says David Levy of the Children’s Rights Council.'”

McManus also notes:

“America’s divorce rate is the world’s highest because the law permits one partner to unilaterally end a marriage even with no allegation of adultery or abuse. What was begun by two people willingly is terminated by one person against the will of the spouse in 80% of cases. This is called ‘No Fault Divorce,’ because no fault need be alleged to get the divorce. Result: innocent children are scarred for life; they are three times as likely as those from intact marriages to be expelled from school or to have a baby out-of-wedlock, five times as apt to live in poverty or to commit suicide, and 12 times as likely to be jailed. Also, the divorced live 4-10 years less.”

His solution is one which has both merits and problems–Mutual Consent Divorce. He writes:

“In my newspaper column I called for a change in the law in cases involving children to ‘Replace No Fault Divorce with Mutual Consent Divorce.’ Either spouse could file for divorce on grounds of adultery, abuse, etc. But if no such fault is alleged, both parties would have to agree. ‘Government has an interest in the future of children, and they’d be best served if parents worked out their differences,’ I asserted. Attorney John Crouch, President of Americans for Divorce Reform, estimates that change would cut divorce rates by 30%.”

McManus also notes that the National Association of Evangelicals passed a resolution this year identifying “‘easy divorce’ as a social evil to be challenged, and committed NAE to improve ‘marriage and divorce law.'”

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Fathers & Families News Digest, 12-24-07

Below are some recent articles and items of interest from Fathers & Families’ latest News Digest.

Keen interest in gentler ways to divorce (Associated Press, 12-19-07)

Briggs says he’ll do right by daughter (Chicago Tribune, 12-20-07)

Hasselhoff agrees on divorce terms (Associated Press, 12-21-07)

New power to seize passports (UK Online, 12-23-07)

Divorce class helps parents (The Gainesville Sun, 12-23-07)

Military divorce on rise (Salt Lake Tribune, 12-23-07)

Illinois enacts deadbeat-parent strategy (Associated Press, 12-24-07)

Job loss, divorce forces mom to look for fresh start (The Detroit News, 12-24-07)

Agencies partner to help Illinois collect $420,000 in past-due child support (Chicago Tribune, 12-24-07)

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XMas 1943: ‘I just had to have a bike. I can remember pleading with my dad for one’

Background: Tim Russert’s Wisdom of Our Fathers has hundreds of stories men and women tell about their fathers. It’s a remarkable book–to learn more, see my co-authored column America’s Father Hunger (World Net Daily, 10/13/06).

This story is from Frank A. Zedik of Vestal, NY about his father Frank J. Zedik, a state trooper. It’s called “The Bicycle”:

“My first bicycle was a Christmas present when I was seven. This was in 1943, right in the middle of the war years, and there wasn’t a new bike to be found anywhere. All available metal, including scrap iron, was being used to support the war effort.

“At the time, I just had to have a bike. I can remember pleading with my dad for one (Santa having been exposed as a fraud during the previous year)–any kind, as long as it had two wheels. He was very patient with me and explained that it just wouldn’t be possible that year. Deep down I understood, but a little begging never hurt, so I persisted.

“Christmas Eve finally arrived and I looked everywhere; there wasn’t a bike in the house. But as I came downstairs the next morning, my eyes almost popped out of my head. There, right next to the Christmas tree, stood the biggest, most beautiful red and silver bicycle I had ever seen. I don’t think my feet even touched the bottom stairs as I dashed to inspect that miraculous sight.

“The bicycle had big widespread handlebars, a bright red frame, silver fenders, and a large leather saddle supported by two coiled springs. But the most impressive feature was that it had just two wheels. What a wonderful sight to behold!

“There was a light dusting of snow Christmas morning, and I had to wait another whole day before I could take that bike for a spin. Soon I was happily riding all around the neighborhood, oblivious to everything but the wind in my face.

“Several days later, I began to notice a couple of imperfections on my marvelous machine–an almost invisible dent on the fender, a little smudge on the paint–just enough to make me realize that the bike wasn’t new. I waited a few days, trying to get the courage to ask my dad where and how he got it. When I finally asked, he told me how he and a friend had scoured swap shops, junkyards, and other friends’ basements looking for bicycle parts. After a month of searching, they had three unworkable bikes from which they assembled my red and silver beauty. Dad was somewhat apologetic as he told the story, but there was no need to apologize for giving me the best Christmas present I ever had.”

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Van Halen’s Fathers & Sons Night/Reunion

I never particularly cared for Van Halen, but you’ve got to like this story. During a recent Van Halen reunion concert, Eddie Van Halen’s 16-year-old son, Wolfgang, played the bass and sung back-up vocals. According to the San Jose Mercury News article below, “For this, he received several kisses on the cheek from his dad.”

Even better, actress Valerie Bertinelli, Eddie’s ex-wife and Wolfgang’s mom, was in attendance. The story is below.

Van Halen family reunion
By Shay Quillen
Mercury News, 12/18/2007

This time, they left the Jack Daniel’s whiskey and the Cabo Wabo tequila on the shelf.

Van Halen’s show Sunday night at HP Pavilion – its first in the Bay Area with singer David Lee Roth in more than 20 years – revealed a fun but thoroughly professional hard-rock band whose ethos has evolved from “lock up your daughters” to “bring along your sons.”

Over two hours and 10 minutes with nary a power ballad in sight, a newly sober Eddie Van Halen expertly spun out his epochal guitar riffs while brother Alex pounded out rhythms and Eddie’s 16-year-old son, Wolfgang, the band’s newest member, competently reproduced the bass and vocal parts of exiled founder Michael Anthony. For this, he received several kisses on the cheek from his dad. (In keeping with the familial theme, Wolfgang’s mom, actress Valerie Bertinelli, was spotted in the crowd.)

Meanwhile, Roth was positively aglow at his chance to be part of this family reunion, and to be back in front of an enthusiastic crowd made up mostly of folks old enough to have seen the band in its 1978-85 heyday, many with sons in tow.

Now free of the long blond mane that let him assume the role of ’70s sex god, the clean-cut 53-year-old front man was revealed as a showbiz pro, a born performer who would have been slinging one-liners and doing song-and-dance in the Catskills if he’d been born 25 years earlier.

To read the full article, click here. Thanks to Paul, a reader, for sending it to me.

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Child Support Suit Dropped Against Man Who Spent 18 Years in Prison for Crime He Didn’t Commit

Background: Dwayne Allen Dail, who was pardoned after spending 18 years behind bars for a rape he didn’t commit, was recently sued for back child support. Dail, 39, was cleared in August of the 1987 rape of a 12-year-old Goldsboro girl. The girl identified him as her attacker and hair found at the scene was similar to his. But DNA evidence found on a fragment of the girl’s nightgown years after the trial proved Dail wasn’t involved in the attack.

Dail will receive a chump change $360,000 from the state – $20,000 for each year he spent in prison. Upon his release he was served with a lawsuit by ex-girlfriend Lorraine Michaels, the mother of his son, who is seeking back child support. Dail said he was devastated by the suit, and that his son had recently moved to Florida to live with him. To learn more about this case, see my blog post This Takes Being a Greedy Ex to a Whole New Level.

Thankfully the child support lawsuit against Dail has now been dropped:

Child Support Lawsuit Dropped Against Dwayne Dail
WRAL.com
12/21/07

Goldsboro — A child support lawsuit for back child support against a Wayne County man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he did not commit has been dropped.

Dwayne Dail said the suit, filed in November by his former girlfriend Lorraine Michaels for back child support while he was in prison, was dismissed Friday.

But he said he could not comment on the deal but was happy the matter was resolved.

“I am very happy and relieved to have this black cloud removed from me and my son’s bonding process,” Dail said. “And I hope that there can begin some healing between me and Lori, too. This has been extremely difficult for everyone involved.”

Michaels sued for a “reasonable sum” of a $360,000 compensatory payment Dail is due from the state for his wrongful imprisonment.

Earlier this month, a judge ruled Michaels should receive only a portion, if any, of the payment

Dail spent 18 years in prison for the rape of a 12-year-old girl. He was exonerated by DNA evidence in August.

He is expected to receive that by the end of January and said he plans to use it to buy a house for him and his son and enroll them both in college. Dail said he wants to pursue a career in criminal justice to help other innocent people in prison.

“I want to have that feeling of having helped someone who is desperately in need of help,” he said.

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When One Man Says ‘No’

“When one man says ‘No’, all Rome begins to tremble.”–Spartacus, gladiator and leader of the largest slave rebellion in ancient history

For many of my readers, the Christmas holiday is not a joyous one, but instead a time of incomparable sadness. Many, many fathers have been driven out of their children’s lives, or to the edge of them. For them, the holidays are more a time to grieve than a time to celebrate.

These men are the victims of one of the worst tyrannies in our society’s history, and one largely unheard of before the modern era–the tyranny of being denied the right to play a meaningful role in the lives of one’s own children.

It is also during this time of year that I think of the heroism of so many modern fathers. In the era of the so-called “deadbeat dad,” hundreds of thousands of men have fought long, hard, costly battles to remain fathers to their children. This struggle, this heroism, goes almost completely unrecognized in our popular culture.

There is one man who above all others for me symbolizes this heroism–David Chick.

The mayor of London compared Chick to Osama bin Laden. He was dubbed a “menace” holding a city for “ransom,” as well as a lunatic and an extremist.

What did this middle-aged window washer do to arouse such anger? He loves his little daughter, from whom he was forcibly and unjustly separated, and he had the courage to do something about it.

Chick launched a world famous, traffic snarling, six day, one-man protest atop a 150 foot high crane near the Tower Bridge in London in November 2003. Dressed as Spiderman because that is his little daughter’s favorite comic book character, Chick had been to court 25 times and spent the equivalent of $30,000 in unsuccessful attempts to get English courts to enforce his visitation rights.

Chick explained:

“[My daughter] is the most precious thing in my world. I was there for the scans when she was still in the womb. I was there for her birth. I fed her, bathed her, got up in the night with her, cuddled her when she cried.

“Now I’m just another statistic–another dad who has no part in his daughter’s life. For me, it is a living bereavement.”

Facing a prison sentence for his protest, Chick was acquitted by an English jury, some of whom were reportedly moved to tears by his testimony. In 2003, Chick came in second in the Evening Standard London Personality of the Year contest and was the runner-up Political Personality of the Year on a major English television station.

In September 2004, Spiderman struck again, climbing the London Eye (pictured), an enormous 450-foot-high Ferris wheel on the banks of the River Thames. Chick spent 18 hours there–one hour for every month that had passed since he had been able to see his little daughter. Nearly 20,000 people were prevented from visiting the attraction because the police closed it down during the protest.

Popular still, a London jury again acquitted Chick of causing a public nuisance. Moreover, Chick was able to successfully fight his way back into his little daughter’s life.

To learn more about Chick, go to http://spidermandad.com/.

[Note: the quote from Spartacus above is from the movie of the same name.]

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Feministing.com Takes Cheap Shot at Bush, Dads

I’m not a particular admirer of President Bush, but the leading feminist blog www.feministing.com took a cheap shot at Bush yesterday. It’s one thing to criticize Bush’s policies on the war in Iraq, or immigration, or his head-in-the-sand approach to climate change, but to criticize Bush as a father–particularly in this manner–seems rather low rent.

In People magazine’s end-of-the-year review with George Bush, there is the following exchange:

Q: Tell us about your future son-in-law, Henry Hager. Did he do right and ask for Jenna”s hand?

The President: “He kind of sidled up to me and said, ‘Can I come and see you?” We were sitting outside the presidential cabin here, and he professed his love for Jenna and said, would I mind if he married her? And I said, ‘Got a deal.” [Laughter] And I”m of the school, once you make the sale, move on. But he had some other points he wanted [to make]. He wanted to talk about how he would be financially responsible.’

In the blog post titled Sexist Quote of the Year, By Yours Truly, Vanessa of www.feministing.com writes:

“How lovely. Nothing like your traditional daughter-for-sale language from the leader of our great nation to get me all warm and fuzzy this holiday season. And shame on the magazine (not like we should expect much from them) to say that ‘asking for a daughter’s hand’ is the ‘right’ thing to do. This isn’t the fucking ’50s, People.”

So a warm, humorous moment where the president relates his future son-in-law’s awkward but sincere attempts to do the right thing, to respect his future in-laws, and to respect his future wife, is, in reality, yet another example of our terrible patriarchy and the way fathers allegedly treat their daughters as property for sale. Bush isn’t a proud dad, he’s an “owner” who just completed a sale.

Whatever men do, it’s always wrong.

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News Flash-a Father Acts Like a Father and Isn’t Criticized for It

In a culture where fathers too often hesitate to parent properly because they’re afraid of being criticized, or of hurting their children’s tender feelings by disciplining them, it’s refreshing to see a father behave a bit like a father. The story is below.

[For a good example of masculine parenting, see my blog post We Need More Fathers Like This (Video Available).]

Dad buys his son a hard to get video game for Christmas and gives it to him early. When he catches him smoking pot, he sells the $90 video game on ebay as a punishment and gets $9000 for it!

MONTREAL (AFP) – After catching his 15-year-old smoking pot, a father sold the hard-to-get “Guitar Hero III” video game he bought his son for 90 dollars for Christmas at an online auction, fetching 9,000 dollars.

The sale took place after the father spent two weeks searching for the video game for the Nintendo Wii gameboard.

“So I was so relieved in that I had finally got the Holy Grail of Christmas presents pretty much just in the nick of time. I couldn’t wait to spread the jubilance to my son,” the father wrote on the eBay website.

“Then, yesterday, I came home from work early and what do I find? My innocent little boy smoking pot in the back yard with two of his delinquent friends.”

The man, a school teacher, who kept his identity private, said he sold the coveted video game to punish his son and discourage him from smoking dope.

The sale was a boon for the family’s bank account, since the game the father purchased for 90 dollars (US) was finally sold to an Australian who plunked down 9,100 dollars for it.

The naughty son, however, will not go without a present on Christmas.

“I am still considering getting him a game for his Nintendo. Maybe something like Barbie as the Island Princess or Dancing with the Stars … I know he will just love them,” the father said, tongue-in-cheek.

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Some Thoughts on Dr. Helen’s Piece ‘Should Alimony Die a Quick Death?’

Dr. Helen has a new article out called “Should Alimony Die a Quick Death?” (Pajamas Media, 12/19/07). Dr. Helen writes:

“Personally, I have a hard time justifying long term alimony payments to men or women in today”s society. Years ago, when one spouse (typically women) was expected to stay home with the kids, tend the house and generally had no training or as many opportunities to make a living as women do today, I would say that alimony might have been more fair.

“However, in today”s world, in which women have fought for the right to equality, alimony seems more like a kid getting an allowance from daddy and I believe it should be abolished altogether except for extremely dire circumstances where a spouse is older, cannot work at all, and for only a short term period. No man or woman should be held to being a slave to an ex-spouse after a marriage ends.”

The concept of “alimony as slavery” is common in the men’s and fathers’ movements, and it is valid, but only to a point. Dr. Helen makes some good points above, but she goes further than I would. I am not against the concept of alimony, I am against the abuse of it.

When alimony is part of a “don’t get mad, get everything” type of post-divorce fleecing, I am opposed. When it is done out of vindictiveness, as in the divorce attorneys’ anti-male ad pictured, I am opposed. When it is done because the law demands that a divorced man support his ex-wife at the standard of living to which she is accustomed, I am opposed, because I believe that this is an unfair and unrealistic burden.

That being said, however, I believe there are situations where alimony is called for. Let’s say that Bob and Jane got married in 1995, and had three children. The couple realized that it is very difficult for the children and for the family in general if both parents have demanding, go-all-out careers. In light of this, they decide that one of them will stay home, or will work part-time, or will do a job that is not as demanding or gives flexible time, so that someone is there for the children.

In the majority of cases, this will be the woman instead of the man, but the gender is irrelevant. Over the subsequent period, Bob works 50 hour weeks and now has a career which earns him $120,000 a year. Jane works 30 hours a week and is the primary caregiver for the children, and earns $25,000 a year.

Now it is 2008 and Bob and Jane are divorcing. (I will leave aside for the moment why they are getting divorced, issues surrounding no-fault divorce, etc.). I believe that both Bob and Jane, absent a finding of parental unfitness, should have shared parenting and a relatively equal timeshare with their children.

I also think it is entirely appropriate for Bob to pay Jane both child support and alimony. Not an extortionate amount, not an amount designed to punish him, not an attempt to preserve her living standard while impoverishing him, but a reasonable amount to take into consideration Bob’s vastly greater earning capacity. This vastly greater earning capacity did not come about because Jane is lazy, or because Jane lacks talent. It came about because her contributions to the household were different than Bob’s.

Dr. Helen’s full article can be seen here.

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‘At that moment, Joba Chamberlain understood the depth of his father’s love’

“[Joba’s] father Harlan…suffered the crippling effects of polio since childhood and who raised Joba on his own after he and the boy’s mother divorced. Joba had left-knee surgery as a sophomore at Nebraska, and he spent his first hours of recovery sprawled out on the couch at their Omaha home. At 5:30 in the morning, Harlan hobbled into the living room on crutches and saw the bag of melting ice on his son’s swollen knee. “‘We need to change that,’ he said. Then, taking the bag between his teeth, he labored slowly to the kitchen for a refill.
At that moment, Joba understood the depth of his father’s love.”–Buster Olney, ESPN, 12/5/07 New York Yankee rookie phenom Joba Chamberlain was raised by a single father, Harlan Chamberlain, who was partially crippled with polio as a child and grew up in foster homes. Harlan also raised Joba’s sister. Last season Chamberlain made 11 appearances for the New York Yankees before giving up a single run. Joba says about his dad: “If I can be half the man and half the father he was, I’ll be very, very happy and have a great life…He was out there after work, and doing the things he did with one arm. We made do with what we had…to be given what he was given and never to bat an eye, never look back.” According to Wikipedia: “Joba Chamberlain grew up in Lincoln, Nebraska. At age 3, his parents divorced, and his father Harlan, a counselor at the Nebraska State Penitentiary, took custody of Joba and his older sister Tasha. The family lived in poverty, with Harlan often pawning his possessions to buy things for the children…Chamberlain’s father was born on a reservation for the Winnebago American Indian Tribe, but had to leave to be treated for polio. Harlan spent his childhood in hospitals and foster homes and now uses a motor scooter to get around.” To learn more, see:

New Yankee Rookie Phenom Joba Chamberlain Was Raised By Disabled Single Father My His Side with Glenn Sacks radio commentary New Yankee Rookie Phenom’s Heroic Father. Buster Olney’s Joba is NEXT … with an exclamation point (ESPN The Magazine, 12/5/07).