NPO Blog Archive

A letter from Felicia, a reader, about the domestic violence system:

Dear Glenn:

I was reading an article you wrote about Restraining Orders/Protective orders being overused in our judicial system. I wanted to share a story with you that has me really upset and I thought you might be interested.

My husband drank too much one night and we got into a nasty physical confrontation, ultimately resulting in a call to the police. He was taken to jail and charged with domestic violence. I teach Cardio kickboxing classes and when I mean we got into a fight, both of us were involved. I wasn’t a so-called “victim” and protected myself fairly well. As it turned out, my husband had more visible wounds than I did. When he was booked, the officer asked if his wife was arrested too based on his injuries.

He served four days in jail prior to me bailing him out. Since his release, he has gone to AA meetings and is seeing a counselor as well as a couples counselor with me. We are on the right track to making things better and our relationship has taken a positive turn. All this work has been done without any court orders, as my husband decided to do them on his own.

I attended his arraignment with the intention of fighting a restraining order. (I just want to note that I get nervous in court even for a traffic ticket). The commissioner asked me to step up to speak (standing about 10 ft away from my husband and near the sheriff). He said he was required to give me 2 options: file a no contact order or a peaceful contact order. Based on those 2 options, I chose the lesser of the two. I wasn’t given the option of not filing an order at all.

Once we left the courtroom, I felt coerced into filing a no contact order, whether that be a no contact or peaceful. Shouldn’t I have a right to not file one at all? Apparently, an automatic protective order/restraining order is placed regardless of the individual situation. As the “victim” in this case, why are my options limited? I spoke with the DA’s office and they backtracked and talked in circles avoiding my questions.

The state of California doesn’t give the “victim” an option of pressing charges or filing a protection order – the state will do so regardless of what the “victim” wants. Shouldn’t I have a say as to what happens?

As a result, my husband and I cannot have an argument or disagree about anything in public, and if he accidentally breaks something he will go to jail (per the protection order). This protection order makes me feel just as uncomfortable as it does for him. Each DV case is different and protection orders are not always required – but in Ca. there is no choice.

So the victim’s have rights – the right to shut up and let the court system decide what’s best for ALL women involved in domestic violence. As a woman involved in a one-time domestic violence incident, I become a victim (true sense of the word) to the court system.

I am an intelligent, educated, strong-minded woman who knows what’s best for me. As it stands, all DV cases are handled the same way, regardless of the circumstances of the incident or the background of each person involved. It seems the approach is this: women are timid, naive, helpless and don’t know any better. I consider that an insult! This may be true for some women, but not for all women and a cookie cutter approach to every DV case is not the solution. The court system is imposing its authority and taking away my rights as a woman (aka the “victim”).

Background: I’ve criticized Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott (pictured) on numerous occasions, including my co-authored column When Beating up on ‘Deadbeat Dads’ is Unfair (Houston Chronicle, 1/7/07). Abbott often beats his chest during his frequent crackdowns on low-income fathers he labels “deadbeat dads.”

I get as many complaints about Abbott and the Texas Attorney General’s Office as I do about Child Support Enforcement in all other 49 states combined. To learn more about Abbott and his abuses, click here.

Apparently some custodial mothers aren’t very happy with Greg Abbott, either. The letter below from Mary is an example:

Dr. Mr. Sacks,

I found your website and was very interested in the materials posted about the Texas Attorney General’s Office. I am the custodial parent. The noncustodial parent filed for divorce 12 years ago. I am now owed approximately $27,000. On January 2, 2008, I am heading back to court (this will be the 5th time) regarding: lack of health care coverage on his part, as well as only occasionally sending in his monetary obligation (he has never showed up to any court dates).

The OAG has lost my request so many times I can”t even begin to tell you. I have heard every excuse in the book, including to go ahead and apply for welfare benefits, because they could never serve him. I paid to have him located for them and even found the job that his father found for him…

I am continuously being pushed off and cannot afford legal counsel of my own. Texas OAG is a joke……they post people on their website owing 1/3 of what I am owed…

I just want you to know that I feel bad for the dads that pay and get nothing but heartache, but as a mom, my daughter is finishing her senior year in high school and we are struggling to just get her in college. It is not fair….and Texas OAG keeps it that way…

Mary

Background: Mary Winkler–who shot her husband in the back and then refused to aid him or call 911 as he slowly bled to death for 20 minutes–walked away a free woman last summer after serving a farcically brief “sentence” for her crimes. She is currently in a custody battle with Matthew Winkler’s parents, who have been raising their three daughters for the last 20 months.

The Winklers seek to terminate Mary Winkler’s parental rights and adopt the girls. I support their position. In September Mary Winkler was granted supervised visits with her daughters–an important step towards getting custody of them. Shortly afterwards an appeals court blocked the visit after a last-minute application from the children’s paternal grandparents.

To learn more about this horrendous injustice, see my co-authored column No child custody for husband-killer Mary Winkler (World Net Daily, 9/14/07), or click here.

Court clears way for Winkler visits with children
Associated Press
11/27/07

JACKSON, Tenn. — An appeals court has removed a barrier to supervised visits between convicted killer Mary Winkler and her children.

A Carroll County judge ruled in September that Winkler could begin visits with her three young daughters, but the children”s paternal grandparents appealed that order.

The Court of Appeals temporarily blocked the visits while considering the grandparents” request.

But the appeals court ruled in Jackson on Tuesday that the lower court can go ahead with allowing Winkler”s visits while she tries to regain custody of her children.

Winkler was convicted this year of voluntary manslaughter in the shooting death of her husband, Matthew Winkler, a minister in Selmer.

The drawing above was taken from Kara Bishop’s www.postcardsfromsplitsville.com. Bishop works with Children of Divorce, a class run by Tucson, Arizona-based Divorce Recovery. The class did an art project that included “sending away” the frustrations of divorce. The website is a place where Kara says “children can share their divorce-related feelings anonymously and parents can get a new perspective on how this life-changing experience impacts their children”s lives.” Kara can be reached at Kara@PostcardsfromSplitsville.com.

Examples of decent, loving dads being manhandled by the anti-father family law system are legion, but this one has to make the Top 10. A recent New Jersey appeals court reaffirmed a decision mandating that a man must pay alimony to his ex-wife–who killed their son. From Legal tussle: Should killer get alimony? (Bergen Record, 11/22/07):

“A state appeals court on Wednesday refused to automatically bar alimony from spouses who kill a child…The decision was issued in the case of Linda Calbi, who is serving a three-year prison term after pleading guilty to beating her son, Matt, on Aug. 17, 2003, during a violent argument at their home. He died hours later from internal bleeding and cardiac arrest…

“Linda Calbi was originally charged with murder, but the charges were later downgraded to aggravated assault, based on expert reports that medical error contributed significantly to the boy’s death. She was sentenced last year to three years in prison and won’t be eligible for parole until November 2008.

“The Calbis were divorced in 2001 after 15 years of marriage. A few months after Matt’s death, Chris Calbi fell behind on his alimony payments and filed papers in court seeking a reduction or termination of his payment obligations.

“‘She took the life of her oldest son, scarred her younger son for the rest of his life, and tore the fabric of my soul from me,’ Chris Calbi wrote in papers filed in Superior Court in Hackensack. ‘To reward this evil and violent woman by allowing her … to derive a financial benefit from the family she destroyed … can only be described as a perversion of our justice system.'”

Chris Calbi had been paying Linda $3,183 a month until her incarceration, and may be saddled with that amount when Linda is paroled. Chris is pictured with his deceased son Matthew and his surviving son Dean above. A few comments:

1) Chris Calbi claimed that Linda abused and assaulted him during their marriage, at times employing a kitchen knife and a hammer. The death of the son is discussed in Typical teen meets a tragic end (Bergen Record, 8/20/03), and Linda Calbi sounds like a real sweetheart:

“As [Christopher Calbi’s] company – Robert Christopher Sales – grew, [Christopher] was increasingly away in Europe on business, Linda Calbi said in divorce papers. Though they shared fine dinners, and Christopher Calbi showered his wife with gifts, a physical and emotional distance developed between Matthew’s parents, her papers say.

“Linda Calbi said in the papers that she felt like ‘a highly paid slave.’

“Christopher Calbi countered that his wife subjected him to ‘profanity-laced tirades and ridicule.'”

2) From the same article:

“The couple split in 1999 and – after 15 years of marriage – divorced in July 2001.

“Meanwhile, Matthew was having problems at school, said a woman who worked in the River Vale school system.

“When Matthew was in the special education program at Holdrum Middle School, he regularly came to class with bruises, said the woman, who declined to be identified. The teen always had an excuse for the marks – he was playing with his younger brother, or he fell, the woman said.

“But in April 2002, the woman noticed a strange bruise on Matthew’s wrist, one she thought looked like a defensive wound. She asked Matt to explain, but he couldn’t, she said, so she called DYFS to report the mark.

“As part of the special education program, Linda Calbi met routinely with educators to review her son’s performance.

“But when Calbi showed up, she often smelled of booze, the woman said. ‘You could light the air on fire, she smelled so badly,’ the woman said.

“Linda could not understand why her son wasn’t more successful in school.

“‘She was very forceful when she spoke. Nothing was ever her fault, and of course she was at her wit’s end,’ the woman said.”

3) The father now has to raise the surviving son, Dean, age 12, on his own. Is Linda being asked to pay child support? Isn’t Chris’ ability to provide for Dean negatively impacted by having to pay alimony to the noncustodial parent?

4) Chris also needs to save his money–Linda may be out of prison in less than a year and will be fighting for visitation rights to Dean. In July, 2006, a judge ordered a supervised visitation between Dean and his mother, contingent on the boy’s acceptance.

5) Linda apparently received a lesser charge and sentence for her crime because supposedly there was medical mishandling by the hospital after she assaulted her son which contributed to Matthew’s death. How much of her light sentence is due to the alleged medical mishandling and how much is just the standard female sentencing discount is unclear.

6) It’s amazing some of the things that an attorney will say. Linda’s attorney, Ian Hirsch, said:

“‘Mr. Calbi is using his son’s death to take away any obligations he has,’ Hirsch said. ‘I think he’s trying to take advantage of a tragedy and turn it around to his economic benefit.'”

Yup–dad not wanting to pay money to the woman who killed his son is “taking advantage of a tragedy and turning it around to his economic benefit.” Bad dad–how could he be so rotten?

7) Can you imagine a judge ordering a woman to pay alimony to the ex-husband who murdered her child? In fact, California has a recent law which created a presumption that a victim of domestic violence should not be required to pay support to a violent ex-spouse.

8) Once again we see the link between family violence and substance abuse. Misguided feminists often downplay this link because it contradicts the feminist Duluth/”domestic violence is a function of the patriarchy” family violence model.

The new court decision by the Superior Court of New Jersey’s Appellate Division can be seen here.

A recent CNN report on the case can be viewed here.

Below are some recent articles and items of interest from Fathers & Families’ latest News Digest.

On the home front: Soldier custody battle (WHOTV.com, 11-20-07)

Suspect arrested in playground killing of NYC orthodontist (Associated Press, 11-20-07)

Mom’s boyfriend may face new charges in boy’s death (The Day, 11-21-07)

Divorce rates falling locally and across the US (Kansas City Star, 11-21-07)

High Court backs custody battle dad (UTV, 11-22-07)

Lehigh County to give parents extra time for child support, if commitment is made (The Morning Call, 11-22-07)

New ways of making deadbeats pay up (Daily Herald, 11-23-07)

New Convention on child support targets parents (Associated Press, 11-23-07)

Hogan ‘shocked’ by divorce (Fox23, 11-25-07)

Mom flees with 3 sons (San Gabriel Valley Tribune, 11-26-07)