NPO Blog Archive

Dear Glenn,

I was married in May 1994 to a woman I had been dating for 4 years. It hadn’t been the best relationship, but we thought we loved each other. I wound up getting her pregnant on our honeymoon, and while we knew it was going to be hard, we were joyfully looking forward to our child’s birth. I was very excited and happy, and couldn’t wait. I was working hard to earn money, and while she never worked full time in her life, she had a small part time job that helped.

The end of August I arrived home early as I was sick as a dog, and when I entered our apartment, I was confronted with her having sex with her boss at the time. I got very angry and lunged at the man and began screaming at him, etc. She jumped on MY back and DEFENDED HIM!!!! I kicked him out and we were verbally fighting for a while although nothing that bad. No police were called, and in the end we decided she should go to her parents’ house for the night until we could calm down and discuss things further.

I went to work the next day and when I came home the apartment was empty, as was the bank account (we still had over 10k in wedding money in there). I didn’t know what was going on so I called her at her parents house where I was informed by her mother that she won’t be coming back because I beat her up and they had a bruise on her arm to prove it. Glenn, I never laid a hand on her, and can only assume that it happened when she jumped on my back.

To make a long story short she got a restraining order on me, I had to contact my attorney to get progress reports on my unborn child, and I wasn’t even allowed to participate or view the birth. My son was born 2.5 months premature, and I wouldn’t have even know she was having medical difficulties had a friend of mine not called me to tell me about it. I had to find out hours later that my son was born and was so premature he might not make it. I was told I couldn’t be at the hospital the same time as her, so I was forced to go late, often 11PM-1AM, and then to work the next day!!! I did this for months until he was released. Once he was released, our divorce was finalized and I was told that I was abusive and I could only have 2 hours on Sundays at her parents house of visitation, with a court appointed person.

I showed up for my first visit and was told that she “had moved” and nobody knew where she was, but I could continue to send child support to her parents’ house and they would hold it for her.

I was at an awards banquet recently which honored several “Women of Achievement,” and one of them was CBS Los Angeles television anchor Suzanne Rico. Rico covered the 9/11 terror attacks in New York, the war in Afghanistan and the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics.

Rico had some interesting things to say about her childhood and her father. She said that the only time she ever got in trouble when she was a kid was when she was 13 and she shoplifted a bathing suit. She says that when the security guards nabbed her and were calling her house, she was praying that her mother, not her father, would answer the phone. She said her mother would take away her television and ground her. She said she did not know what her father would do.

In the end, she says, her punishment was worse than anything she could have anticipated. It was her father who answered the phone, and he came to the store to pick up Suzanne. When they were in the store and the security guard explained to him what Suzanne had done, she said his face had an expression of incredible disappointment.

He hardly said a word to her, and did not give her a punishment. She said that her father’s look of disappointment was a worse punishment than anything he or Suzanne’s mother could have given her. She said she has never forgotten it, and that it helped make her who she is.

Background: Research clearly shows that women are just as likely to physically attack their husbands or boyfriends as vice versa, and that between 30% and 40% of the injuries sustained in heterosexual domestic violence are sustained by men. Nevertheless, the domestic violence establishment continues to ignore male domestic violence victims, instead putting forth the discredited myth that domestic violence is synonymous with wife-beating.

Max Patkin (January 10, 1920 – October 30, 1999) was an American baseball player and comedian, best known as the “Clown Prince of Baseball.” According to one source:

“Wherever [flamboyant baseball owner] Bill Veeck ran a major league team (Indians, Browns, White Sox), Max Patkin (pictured) was a baseline coach and a comic attraction. The gangly, double-jointed Patkin barnstormed the minor league circuit with his pantomime, contortionist act…Proud of being a bona fide baseball man, capable of doing an actual coaching job, Patkin was a one-time minor league pitcher.”

In 1988, Patkin told writer Steve Wulf:

“Things got so bad [with my then-wife], I was sleeping alone in a room in my own house. One day I came out of my room, and she hit me over the head with a hammer. She laughed. My daughter saved me. She picked up the bloody hammer. I stumbled out onto the lawn with a slightly fractured skull. Fortunately, my neighbor, who was an FBI man, took me to the hospital.

“Two weeks I spent in the hospital. I got out just so I could attend this banquet in Norristown (Pa.) for Tommy Lasorda. So there I am with my head all bandaged. Joe Garagiola is the emcee. Don’t get me wrong, Joe has been beautiful to me over the years. But when he introduces me, he says, ‘There’s Max Patkin. His head is bandaged because his wife hit him with a hammer.’ Got a big laugh, too.”

[Note: If you or someone you love is being abused, the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women provides crisis intervention and support services to victims of domestic violence and their families.]

I’ve at times been surprised and dismayed at the way the trend towards women dressing in skimpy clothes has filtered down to young girls.

I think it’s a trend our daughters can do without.

The shirt pictured is not exactly an example of that, but it fits the general trend.

Feminist writer/blogger Jill Filipovic says the shirt–“Hooters Girl (in training)”–is in a toddler size.

See Filipovic’s Hooters for the kiddies.

In my recent blog post ‘My husband reads your site and is angry at me because ‘my feminism’ caused all these problems for men’, Hannah wrote me a letter saying that she had been a feminist while in college and that now, 18 years later, it’s causing problems in her marriage. She wrote:

“My husband has begun reading your website and others and is educating himself on male discrimination. He is extremely angry at me because ‘my cause’ caused all these problems for men and I ‘supported’ it. He has been educating me on male discrimination and it is opening my eyes. I no longer wear the label ‘feminist’ but my personal beliefs and hopes for equality for ALL people have not changed.

“My problem is that my husband’s anger is overwhelming and he refuses to acknowledge that I really can see how men are actively discriminated against. I have read a lot of your site. My question for you is, what do you think I can do to show my husband that I do see many of the problems men are facing, and that I advocate fair treatment for all people male/female/white/black/all religions, etc? Please help!!!”

I told Hannah:

“If all is as you describe it, I think your husband is being very unfair to you, and feel free to let him know that I said so.”

I also said that “when you were a feminist in college in the 1980s, it was not an unreasonable thing to do” and that it is “ludicrous to hold someone such as yourself personally responsible for the excesses and problems that feminism has created.” I concluded:

“I think that many of the husbands reading this blog would be grateful and thankful to have a wife such as yourself, who has made a real effort to try to understand men’s and fathers’ issues.” My full response is here.

There were about 100 responses from readers, some of whom chastised me and sided with Hannah’s husband. Hannah’s husband Paul recently sent me a 2,600 word response in which he defends himself and calls my viewpoint “disturbing and disappointing.” His response is below.

Paul, Hannah’s Husband, Replies to My Blog Post

Happy New Year all. May 2008 be a less discriminating time for all people, extra attention being given to men.

I will start by stating my disappointment in Glenn for his blame the victim approach to my quandary and that of men in general. While I do agree that men certainly need to become much more aware and take a stand against the systemic implementation of legalized misandry, to state that “men, as a whole, have not done much to defend themselves’ is the equivalent of stating a rape victim as deserving due to her provocative attire and not saying [no] enough or fighting back against the aggressor/rapist. Very disturbing and disappointing viewpoint Glenn.

Glenn let me ask you; would a Jew be grateful to have a former Nazi who supported the evil regime stand next to them simply because this former Nazi now admits that “They were wrong?’ All the while this former Nazi does nothing to fix the damage that their former ignorance has inflicted on its victims? I doubt that any Jew would be offering such gleeful appreciation of this one time Nazi. The concept I am expecting is that of paying penance for one’s sins. If one has done wrong by someone, they must make efforts to overcome and fix the damage that they have inflicted.

Of all people Glenn, I would expect you to know that without action, words are valueless. What I am looking for is more than hollow words of understanding; I require and desire to see efforts to aid in the undoing of what the former indirect support of [feminism] has caused.

Lastly in my direct response to Glenn, I disagree that in the 80″s women had legitimate grievances. The original purpose of the feminist movement was to grant women the unearned equal rights of their male peers. A noble and honorable cause that they achieved many many years ago.

I say “unearned’ equal right for the following reasons. Let us remember that not too long ago the only people with any rights at all, were the ruling elite. Men, not women, took up arms and suffered horrid deaths that none of us can even comprehend, in efforts of earning the right to vote etc. Today this still remains true. The extreme vast majority of blood that is spilled in defense of these rights, is that of men. In fact, if any woman suffers at all she becomes a hero [Jessica Lynch]. All for doing less than the cumulative millions of her military male counterparts/peers.

A note from Jan Brown, founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women:

“The Men’s Experiences with Partner Aggression Project is a research study at Clark University and is funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. Denise A. Hines, Ph.D., Clark University Department of Psychology, is the lead researcher on this project. She is conducting this project in conjunction with Emily M. Douglas, Ph.D., Bridgewater State College Department of Social Work, the Survey Center at the University of Southern Maine, and the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women.

“Our goal is to better understand the experiences of men who are in relationships with women who use violence. Extensive research has shown that men are at risk for sustaining partner violence in their relationships, yet few studies have investigated their experiences, and there are few resources available to such men. This is an under-recognized problem in the United States, and by conducting this research project, we hope to provide much needed information on these men, their relationships, and their needs.

“If you are a man between the ages of 18 and 59 and you have been physically assaulted at least one time in the last 12 months by a current or former intimate female partner you may be eligible to participate in this study. If you are interested in participating, please call the DAHMW at 1-888-743-5754 or email dahmwagency@gmail.com for information about the study and directions for participating. For more information about DAHMW visit their website: http://www.dahmw.org/.”

The new Associated Press story about the latest Britney Spears train wreck/meltdown bears the headline Court awards Spears’ kids to K-Fed. Funny, I thought “Spears’ kids” had two parents.

Court awards Spears’ kids to K-Fed
January 3, 2008
Associated Press

LOS ANGELES – A court commissioner gave sole physical and legal custody of Britney Spears’ two little boys Friday to ex-husband Kevin Federline and suspended the troubled pop star’s visitation rights.

Spears was hauled away from her home to a hospital by paramedics a day before, after police had to intervene when she refused to return the children to Federline after a court-monitored visit.

Commissioner Scott Gordon ordered another hearing to be held Jan. 14.

Federline had previously been awarded temporary custody of 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James because Spears has defied court orders, resulting in limitations on her visitation.

“I’m not happy about any of these events,” Federline attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan said when he left a closed-door emergency hearing Friday afternoon. “There’s no winners here.”

Federline was not in court for the hearing, Kaplan said.

The attorney had said he did not expect the ruling to be released until Monday, but it was issued shortly after the hearing concluded.

Law professor Steve Cron, who is not involved in the Spears-Federline matter, predicted that Spears will face sanctions from the court for her behavior.
“My guess is that she won’t be seeing her kids for a while,” said Cron, who teaches at Pepperdine University in Malibu.

Gordon has little option other than to further reduce the time Spears can legally spend with her children, Cron said, “at least for the time being until she gets some help. She’s obviously a very troubled person.”

The 26-year-old pop star remained hospitalized Friday.

Her latest troubles began around 8 p.m. Thursday when officers were called to her home to help resolve a dispute over her refusal to turn the children over to Federline, as dictated by their custody agreement.

It took two to three hours to resolve the conflict, said Officer Ana Aguirre.

“There was a time where she was within the residence and wasn’t available to be speaking to the officers, apparently,” she said. “There was no threat to the children.”

“Police resolved the conflict,” Aguirre said. “Both children were turned over to her ex-husband Kevin Federline for custody, and she was in fact taken to a local hospital for medical treatment.”

Full article here.

An ad from the Fair Isaac Corp. on husband/wife credit problems. What a surprise–the wife is 2 for 2 and the husband bats .000. Yeah, it’s a small thing, but the cumulative effect of advertising which portrays women as smart and men as fools isn’t.

I am honestly surprised that they did not continue to pursue the father for the $24,000 child support arrearage. His daughter was moved out of the country against his will, he was denied a role in her life, he was charged child support, they didn’t tell him about the support for 15 years, and then hit him with the arrearage–what’s the problem? Certainly American child support enforcement agencies have no problem doing this, and probably wouldn’t have let the guy out of his arrearage. I guess the Brits are behind in this particular area of father abuse.

Father wins £16,000 case against CSA
January 03 2008
ALISON CAMPSIE

A father took on the Child Support Agency (CSA) and won by successfully challenging a £16,000 demand when a computer error left him unaware of the claim for nearly 15 years.

Colin Roberts, 52, a golf professional from Abernethy in Perthshire, said the CSA left him and his second wife “stressed and frightened”.

The bill was suddenly presented to Mr Roberts in October regarding the child maintenance of his daughter, now aged 27. She was born during his first marriage, which broke down in 1986 when his former wife left the country.

While the CSA was alerted that there might be a claim against him in 1993, the authority did not track down Mr Roberts to make an application for earnings – instead surprising him with a demand for the accumulated bill of £16,000 last November.

Mr Roberts, who has been married to his second wife Paulette for nine years, said: “When the letter suddenly dropped through the door, we were frightened. We were expecting the officials to come to the door. Every time somebody knocked for us we thought, is this it?’.

“They way it was handled by the CSA was so cold, so unemotional. It was the first I had ever heard from them and it was treated as just a matter of course for them.

“The stress that it caused for myself and Paulette was immense. We were looking into what we could sell, looking at what meagre savings we had.

“We were so low. I said to Paulette, it is just not fair, I have to fight this’.”

Mr Roberts has not seen his daughter since she was three years old, after her mother moved to Spain and he failed to win a court order to allow him to bring her up himself.

Reidar Hjermann, Norway’s ombudsman for children, is now pushing one of vindictive divorced or separated mothers’ greatest hits–that shared parenting is bad for kids because it’s “inconvenient.” According to this recent Norwegian newspaper article:

“‘Children need individually tailored solutions,’ ombudsman Reidar Hjermann told newspaper Aftenposten on Wednesday. He thinks that splitting their time between their parents’ new homes should be the exception, not the rule.

“When parents split up, Hjermann acknowledges that they have to split up everything from their shared home to the cars, TV and stereo. Their children, however, shouldn’t be part of the math.

“‘You can’t just share children in accordance with what’s right for the parents,’ he said. Spending one week living with their mother and one week with their father is too stressful for many, he claims.”

I agree that such arrangements are inconvenient for children, but losing your father or turning dad into a few days a month “visitor” is not just inconvenient–it’s very harmful. Hjermann puts it in gender neutral terms but fortunately Labour Party politician Karita Bekkemellem (pictured), Norway’s former government minister in charge of family issues, explained what the Hjermann plan really means:

“‘It’s most unfortunate that in 2008, the children’s ombudsman doesn’t equate the positions of mother and father,’ she told Aftenposten. She claims that too many fathers feel short-changed, when their wives are all too often granted custody of the children.

“Without shared living arrangements, ‘only one of the parents gets to have close contact with the children in everyday life,’ Bekkemellem said. ‘All our experience shows that it will continue to be the fathers who are discriminated against.'”

The “inconvenient” and “individually tailored solutions” arguments are frequently put forward by American feminists, including the National Organization for Women, in opposition to shared parenting. Hjermann even trots out one of the feminists’ favorite straw men–that some divorced parents want their children to attend two different schools, in order to live part-time with the mother and part-time with the father. I agree that such a suggestion is ludicrous, but I very much doubt that people suggest it.

To learn more about the arguments in favor of shared parenting, including what adult children of divorce have to say on the matter, see my co-authored column HB 5267 Will Help Michigan”s Children of Divorce (Lansing State Journal, 5/28/06). One quick excerpt:

“When Arizona State University psychology professor William Fabricius conducted a study of college students who had experienced their parents” divorces while they were children, he found that over two-thirds believed that ‘living equal amounts of time with each parent is the best arrangement for children.’ His findings were published in Family Relations in 2003.”

Norway’s ombudsman for children doesn’t think children should have to commute between their divorced parents’ homes. His opinion puts him at odds with some top politicians.
Afenposten, 1/2/08

“Children need individually tailored solutions,” ombudsman Reidar Hjermann told newspaper Aftenposten on Wednesday. He thinks that splitting their time between their parents’ new homes should be the exception, not the rule.

When parents split up, Hjermann acknowledges that they have to split up everything from their shared home to the cars, TV and stereo. Their children, however, shouldn’t be part of the math.

“You can’t just share children in accordance with what’s right for the parents,” he said. Spending one week living with their mother and one week with their father is too stressful for many, he claims.

Hjermann told Aftenposten that he’s had to deal with some parents who even want their children to attend two different schools, in order to live part-time with the mother and part-time with the father. He advises strongly against that. He concedes that some children manage to move back and forth between their parents, but he thinks that only works well when the parents live close to one another and cooperate well.

Hjermann’s recommendation against commuting children “disappoints” top Labour Party politician Karita Bekkemellem, who until recently was the government minister in charge of family issues.

“It’s most unfortunate that in 2008, the children’s ombudsman doesn’t equate the positions of mother and father,” she told Aftenposten. She claims that too many fathers feel short-changed, when their wives are all too often granted custody of the children.

Without shared living arrangements, “only one of the parents gets to have close contact with the children in everyday life,” Bekkemellem said. “All our experience shows that it will continue to be the fathers who are discriminated against.”