In my recent blog post ‘My husband reads your site and is angry at me because ‘my feminism’ caused all these problems for men’, Hannah wrote me a letter saying that she had been a feminist while in college and that now, 18 years later, it’s causing problems in her marriage. She wrote:
“My husband has begun reading your website and others and is educating himself on male discrimination. He is extremely angry at me because ‘my cause’ caused all these problems for men and I ‘supported’ it. He has been educating me on male discrimination and it is opening my eyes. I no longer wear the label ‘feminist’ but my personal beliefs and hopes for equality for ALL people have not changed.
“My problem is that my husband’s anger is overwhelming and he refuses to acknowledge that I really can see how men are actively discriminated against. I have read a lot of your site. My question for you is, what do you think I can do to show my husband that I do see many of the problems men are facing, and that I advocate fair treatment for all people male/female/white/black/all religions, etc? Please help!!!”
I told Hannah:
“If all is as you describe it, I think your husband is being very unfair to you, and feel free to let him know that I said so.”
I also said that “when you were a feminist in college in the 1980s, it was not an unreasonable thing to do” and that it is “ludicrous to hold someone such as yourself personally responsible for the excesses and problems that feminism has created.” I concluded:
“I think that many of the husbands reading this blog would be grateful and thankful to have a wife such as yourself, who has made a real effort to try to understand men’s and fathers’ issues.” My full response is here.
There were about 100 responses from readers, some of whom chastised me and sided with Hannah’s husband. Hannah’s husband Paul recently sent me a 2,600 word response in which he defends himself and calls my viewpoint “disturbing and disappointing.” His response is below.
Happy New Year all. May 2008 be a less discriminating time for all people, extra attention being given to men.
I will start by stating my disappointment in Glenn for his blame the victim approach to my quandary and that of men in general. While I do agree that men certainly need to become much more aware and take a stand against the systemic implementation of legalized misandry, to state that “men, as a whole, have not done much to defend themselves’ is the equivalent of stating a rape victim as deserving due to her provocative attire and not saying [no] enough or fighting back against the aggressor/rapist. Very disturbing and disappointing viewpoint Glenn.
Glenn let me ask you; would a Jew be grateful to have a former Nazi who supported the evil regime stand next to them simply because this former Nazi now admits that “They were wrong?’ All the while this former Nazi does nothing to fix the damage that their former ignorance has inflicted on its victims? I doubt that any Jew would be offering such gleeful appreciation of this one time Nazi. The concept I am expecting is that of paying penance for one’s sins. If one has done wrong by someone, they must make efforts to overcome and fix the damage that they have inflicted.
Of all people Glenn, I would expect you to know that without action, words are valueless. What I am looking for is more than hollow words of understanding; I require and desire to see efforts to aid in the undoing of what the former indirect support of [feminism] has caused.
Lastly in my direct response to Glenn, I disagree that in the 80″s women had legitimate grievances. The original purpose of the feminist movement was to grant women the unearned equal rights of their male peers. A noble and honorable cause that they achieved many many years ago.
I say “unearned’ equal right for the following reasons. Let us remember that not too long ago the only people with any rights at all, were the ruling elite. Men, not women, took up arms and suffered horrid deaths that none of us can even comprehend, in efforts of earning the right to vote etc. Today this still remains true. The extreme vast majority of blood that is spilled in defense of these rights, is that of men. In fact, if any woman suffers at all she becomes a hero [Jessica Lynch]. All for doing less than the cumulative millions of her military male counterparts/peers.
Is any one of us foolish to believe that a man is the true equal of a woman or that a woman is the true equal of a man? I hope that we are not, as only a fool will argue otherwise. The current belief of Contemporary American Feminism Theory pushes equality through likeness not equality through value. Men and Women are neither alike nor equal. We both bring strong attributes and natural skills to the table that enhances one another”s skill sets. A man and a woman are stronger together when each uses the skills that nature has given them, than either is alone.
Now on to my wife”s question to Glenn and a more complete context of the issue we are facing. Allow me to start by stating that I do have an amazing wife. She is very supportive and I am very lucky to have her stand by my side as is she to have me by hers. She is very intelligent and educated. As time passes and with each discussion she becomes more aware and sensitive to the systemic discrimination that not only the current generation of men face, but the horrible future of enslavement that her son will be subjected to in the future.
Thank you H! I hope that you do know that I love you even when I am in my raging rants! Your support and understanding and most importantly open minded, fair approach makes you all the more remarkable not only as a woman but as a person.
Your complaint of my directing my anger at “You’ is a fair one and I have addressed this issue. This was an initial reaction that was fueled by more than just this gender/feminist war. I was angered when you listened to the only femnazi poster on this board whose suggestion of throwing in my face the vindication that is offered by Glenn”s opinion. Instead you should have listened to other posters like Jay who offered you much better insight into my state of mind and how you can help me. The act of being sympathetic to my plight and validating my anger and outrage. Followed by supporting the actual cause and belief that you claim was your original intent when blindly proclaiming your association with Feminism. Now, after angry exchanges between us, you finally see this. Again we are on the same side and are stronger for our alliance, making us both more able to assure the equality we both desire.
I want to assure you and all women that I have no desire to oppress women or men. I desire true equality and fairness for all people of all genders. But most importantly, I want a better world for our children. We are destroying any hope of happiness that is attained through a real loving relationships where we both partners are needed as parents. Where we are partners for common gain and happiness, where we do not see one another as adversaries or enemies. One where we need not always be prepared to protect ourselves while always being armed and prepared to engage in war, The Gender War.
Make no mistake; no one will EVER win this war. Men need women, Women need men. So why are feminists engaging in a war that produces only losers?
Men are being forced to fight what will be a bloody, brutal battle. Remember, men are designed by nature to be natural warriors. In the end we will have terribly unhappy adults and children that we are responsible for destroying. We will be responsible for their unhappiness. We will be responsible for the missing fulfillment that they feel. We will be responsible for the demise of society and morality that they will be forced to live in.
Knowing of Hannah”s intellect is why I am so disappointed that she unknowingly allowed herself to be exploited by the very movement she once supported. Unfortunately, ignorance is not an excuse. Personally I would be very angry with any masculinist group that intentionally deceived me and would take up arms against it if it had ever misused my name, my gender and the system in such an evil way and under the guise of equality.
I am also convinced that the vast majority of women today do NOT support modern Contemporary American Feminism and its goal of total supremacy and male discrimination. I believe, from my discussions with so many 20-40 yrs old women, that they miss the pleasures and glory that once came with being a woman, not a perceived oppressor of men. They miss chivalry and the pleasures of male attention to them as ladies. Sadly for all of them, those days are gone.
I often do rant when I read how another female sex offender will not spend one day in jail for raping 5 young boys while her male counterparts are serving 15 to life and demonized by the media!
I do rage when I go to a bar and watch as women get in free and drink free while men have to pay a cover and for all the drinks. I have heard so many women say its not fair but I am yet to meet or even hear of one woman who has refused to embrace this preferred gender. Why wouldn”t all feminists refuse such clear gender based discrimination if they truly were interested in equality? Shouldn”t such behavior be considered insulting to feminists and anyone seeking equality for all?
I do rant when I recall having to wait until I was 30 for my car insurance rates to drop while women wait until 25 years of age.
I do rant when I recall my refusal into Naval Flight Training because only women were being given guaranteed flight slots.
I do rant when I am denied access to “women”s only’ health clubs and facilities when the same businesses for men only’ were all shut down by outraged women so many years ago.
I was diagnosed with a lump in my chest (breast) years ago. Originally it was diagnosed as atypical later to be changed to typical meaning non malignant. The problem here is when I went for medial care, with all the money being spent on breast cancer, no equipment was able to properly test me (a man). I was looked at as though I was a pervert in the waiting rooms as I waited to be seen for my test. With all of the money spent on breast cancer how can this be? Not one dime to deal with the male version of the same disease, only women seem to matter, let the men die.
I get angry when I recall my childhood and being manipulated by my mother who, as I can see now as an adult, ritualistically abused my father both physically and mentally right in front of her children and defended it by stating he was an evil son of a bitch who abused her, as she hid behind my fathers male chivalry. Her manipulation caused my father to lose everything, his family and children included. She abused him, yet she was protected by the courts and rewarded for her actions.
I get angry when I watch television or a movie and a woman kicks/punches or physically harms a man or damages his property and everyone laughs. What if it were a woman being beaten? Can you imagine the outrage? (Anyone seen Carrie Underwoods video?)
If not for my anger, even Hannah herself admits, that she would never have become aware of the systemic problem of legalized male discrimination.
Read Paul’s full response at Paul, Hannah’s Husband, Replies to My Blog Post.