Author: Super User

In my recent blog post ‘My husband reads your site and is angry at me because ‘my feminism’ caused all these problems for men’, Hannah wrote me a letter saying that she had been a feminist while in college and that now, 18 years later, it’s causing problems in her marriage. She wrote:

“My husband has begun reading your website and others and is educating himself on male discrimination. He is extremely angry at me because ‘my cause’ caused all these problems for men and I ‘supported’ it. He has been educating me on male discrimination and it is opening my eyes. I no longer wear the label ‘feminist’ but my personal beliefs and hopes for equality for ALL people have not changed.

“My problem is that my husband’s anger is overwhelming and he refuses to acknowledge that I really can see how men are actively discriminated against. I have read a lot of your site. My question for you is, what do you think I can do to show my husband that I do see many of the problems men are facing, and that I advocate fair treatment for all people male/female/white/black/all religions, etc? Please help!!!”

I told Hannah:

“If all is as you describe it, I think your husband is being very unfair to you, and feel free to let him know that I said so.”

I also said that “when you were a feminist in college in the 1980s, it was not an unreasonable thing to do” and that it is “ludicrous to hold someone such as yourself personally responsible for the excesses and problems that feminism has created.” I concluded:

“I think that many of the husbands reading this blog would be grateful and thankful to have a wife such as yourself, who has made a real effort to try to understand men’s and fathers’ issues.” My full response is here.

There were about 100 responses from readers, some of whom chastised me and sided with Hannah’s husband. Hannah’s husband Paul recently sent me a 2,600 word response in which he defends himself and calls my viewpoint “disturbing and disappointing.” His response is below.

Paul, Hannah’s Husband, Replies to My Blog Post

Happy New Year all. May 2008 be a less discriminating time for all people, extra attention being given to men.

I will start by stating my disappointment in Glenn for his blame the victim approach to my quandary and that of men in general. While I do agree that men certainly need to become much more aware and take a stand against the systemic implementation of legalized misandry, to state that “men, as a whole, have not done much to defend themselves’ is the equivalent of stating a rape victim as deserving due to her provocative attire and not saying [no] enough or fighting back against the aggressor/rapist. Very disturbing and disappointing viewpoint Glenn.

Glenn let me ask you; would a Jew be grateful to have a former Nazi who supported the evil regime stand next to them simply because this former Nazi now admits that “They were wrong?’ All the while this former Nazi does nothing to fix the damage that their former ignorance has inflicted on its victims? I doubt that any Jew would be offering such gleeful appreciation of this one time Nazi. The concept I am expecting is that of paying penance for one’s sins. If one has done wrong by someone, they must make efforts to overcome and fix the damage that they have inflicted.

Of all people Glenn, I would expect you to know that without action, words are valueless. What I am looking for is more than hollow words of understanding; I require and desire to see efforts to aid in the undoing of what the former indirect support of [feminism] has caused.

Lastly in my direct response to Glenn, I disagree that in the 80″s women had legitimate grievances. The original purpose of the feminist movement was to grant women the unearned equal rights of their male peers. A noble and honorable cause that they achieved many many years ago.

I say “unearned’ equal right for the following reasons. Let us remember that not too long ago the only people with any rights at all, were the ruling elite. Men, not women, took up arms and suffered horrid deaths that none of us can even comprehend, in efforts of earning the right to vote etc. Today this still remains true. The extreme vast majority of blood that is spilled in defense of these rights, is that of men. In fact, if any woman suffers at all she becomes a hero [Jessica Lynch]. All for doing less than the cumulative millions of her military male counterparts/peers.

A note from Jan Brown, founder of the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women:

“The Men’s Experiences with Partner Aggression Project is a research study at Clark University and is funded by the National Institute of Mental Health. Denise A. Hines, Ph.D., Clark University Department of Psychology, is the lead researcher on this project. She is conducting this project in conjunction with Emily M. Douglas, Ph.D., Bridgewater State College Department of Social Work, the Survey Center at the University of Southern Maine, and the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women.

“Our goal is to better understand the experiences of men who are in relationships with women who use violence. Extensive research has shown that men are at risk for sustaining partner violence in their relationships, yet few studies have investigated their experiences, and there are few resources available to such men. This is an under-recognized problem in the United States, and by conducting this research project, we hope to provide much needed information on these men, their relationships, and their needs.

“If you are a man between the ages of 18 and 59 and you have been physically assaulted at least one time in the last 12 months by a current or former intimate female partner you may be eligible to participate in this study. If you are interested in participating, please call the DAHMW at 1-888-743-5754 or email dahmwagency@gmail.com for information about the study and directions for participating. For more information about DAHMW visit their website: http://www.dahmw.org/.”

The new Associated Press story about the latest Britney Spears train wreck/meltdown bears the headline Court awards Spears’ kids to K-Fed. Funny, I thought “Spears’ kids” had two parents.

Court awards Spears’ kids to K-Fed
January 3, 2008
Associated Press

LOS ANGELES – A court commissioner gave sole physical and legal custody of Britney Spears’ two little boys Friday to ex-husband Kevin Federline and suspended the troubled pop star’s visitation rights.

Spears was hauled away from her home to a hospital by paramedics a day before, after police had to intervene when she refused to return the children to Federline after a court-monitored visit.

Commissioner Scott Gordon ordered another hearing to be held Jan. 14.

Federline had previously been awarded temporary custody of 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James because Spears has defied court orders, resulting in limitations on her visitation.

“I’m not happy about any of these events,” Federline attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan said when he left a closed-door emergency hearing Friday afternoon. “There’s no winners here.”

Federline was not in court for the hearing, Kaplan said.

The attorney had said he did not expect the ruling to be released until Monday, but it was issued shortly after the hearing concluded.

Law professor Steve Cron, who is not involved in the Spears-Federline matter, predicted that Spears will face sanctions from the court for her behavior.
“My guess is that she won’t be seeing her kids for a while,” said Cron, who teaches at Pepperdine University in Malibu.

Gordon has little option other than to further reduce the time Spears can legally spend with her children, Cron said, “at least for the time being until she gets some help. She’s obviously a very troubled person.”

The 26-year-old pop star remained hospitalized Friday.

Her latest troubles began around 8 p.m. Thursday when officers were called to her home to help resolve a dispute over her refusal to turn the children over to Federline, as dictated by their custody agreement.

It took two to three hours to resolve the conflict, said Officer Ana Aguirre.

“There was a time where she was within the residence and wasn’t available to be speaking to the officers, apparently,” she said. “There was no threat to the children.”

“Police resolved the conflict,” Aguirre said. “Both children were turned over to her ex-husband Kevin Federline for custody, and she was in fact taken to a local hospital for medical treatment.”

Full article here.

An ad from the Fair Isaac Corp. on husband/wife credit problems. What a surprise–the wife is 2 for 2 and the husband bats .000. Yeah, it’s a small thing, but the cumulative effect of advertising which portrays women as smart and men as fools isn’t.

I am honestly surprised that they did not continue to pursue the father for the $24,000 child support arrearage. His daughter was moved out of the country against his will, he was denied a role in her life, he was charged child support, they didn’t tell him about the support for 15 years, and then hit him with the arrearage–what’s the problem? Certainly American child support enforcement agencies have no problem doing this, and probably wouldn’t have let the guy out of his arrearage. I guess the Brits are behind in this particular area of father abuse.

Father wins £16,000 case against CSA
January 03 2008
ALISON CAMPSIE

A father took on the Child Support Agency (CSA) and won by successfully challenging a £16,000 demand when a computer error left him unaware of the claim for nearly 15 years.

Colin Roberts, 52, a golf professional from Abernethy in Perthshire, said the CSA left him and his second wife “stressed and frightened”.

The bill was suddenly presented to Mr Roberts in October regarding the child maintenance of his daughter, now aged 27. She was born during his first marriage, which broke down in 1986 when his former wife left the country.

While the CSA was alerted that there might be a claim against him in 1993, the authority did not track down Mr Roberts to make an application for earnings – instead surprising him with a demand for the accumulated bill of £16,000 last November.

Mr Roberts, who has been married to his second wife Paulette for nine years, said: “When the letter suddenly dropped through the door, we were frightened. We were expecting the officials to come to the door. Every time somebody knocked for us we thought, is this it?’.

“They way it was handled by the CSA was so cold, so unemotional. It was the first I had ever heard from them and it was treated as just a matter of course for them.

“The stress that it caused for myself and Paulette was immense. We were looking into what we could sell, looking at what meagre savings we had.

“We were so low. I said to Paulette, it is just not fair, I have to fight this’.”

Mr Roberts has not seen his daughter since she was three years old, after her mother moved to Spain and he failed to win a court order to allow him to bring her up himself.

Reidar Hjermann, Norway’s ombudsman for children, is now pushing one of vindictive divorced or separated mothers’ greatest hits–that shared parenting is bad for kids because it’s “inconvenient.” According to this recent Norwegian newspaper article:

“‘Children need individually tailored solutions,’ ombudsman Reidar Hjermann told newspaper Aftenposten on Wednesday. He thinks that splitting their time between their parents’ new homes should be the exception, not the rule.

“When parents split up, Hjermann acknowledges that they have to split up everything from their shared home to the cars, TV and stereo. Their children, however, shouldn’t be part of the math.

“‘You can’t just share children in accordance with what’s right for the parents,’ he said. Spending one week living with their mother and one week with their father is too stressful for many, he claims.”

I agree that such arrangements are inconvenient for children, but losing your father or turning dad into a few days a month “visitor” is not just inconvenient–it’s very harmful. Hjermann puts it in gender neutral terms but fortunately Labour Party politician Karita Bekkemellem (pictured), Norway’s former government minister in charge of family issues, explained what the Hjermann plan really means:

“‘It’s most unfortunate that in 2008, the children’s ombudsman doesn’t equate the positions of mother and father,’ she told Aftenposten. She claims that too many fathers feel short-changed, when their wives are all too often granted custody of the children.

“Without shared living arrangements, ‘only one of the parents gets to have close contact with the children in everyday life,’ Bekkemellem said. ‘All our experience shows that it will continue to be the fathers who are discriminated against.'”

The “inconvenient” and “individually tailored solutions” arguments are frequently put forward by American feminists, including the National Organization for Women, in opposition to shared parenting. Hjermann even trots out one of the feminists’ favorite straw men–that some divorced parents want their children to attend two different schools, in order to live part-time with the mother and part-time with the father. I agree that such a suggestion is ludicrous, but I very much doubt that people suggest it.

To learn more about the arguments in favor of shared parenting, including what adult children of divorce have to say on the matter, see my co-authored column HB 5267 Will Help Michigan”s Children of Divorce (Lansing State Journal, 5/28/06). One quick excerpt:

“When Arizona State University psychology professor William Fabricius conducted a study of college students who had experienced their parents” divorces while they were children, he found that over two-thirds believed that ‘living equal amounts of time with each parent is the best arrangement for children.’ His findings were published in Family Relations in 2003.”

Norway’s ombudsman for children doesn’t think children should have to commute between their divorced parents’ homes. His opinion puts him at odds with some top politicians.
Afenposten, 1/2/08

“Children need individually tailored solutions,” ombudsman Reidar Hjermann told newspaper Aftenposten on Wednesday. He thinks that splitting their time between their parents’ new homes should be the exception, not the rule.

When parents split up, Hjermann acknowledges that they have to split up everything from their shared home to the cars, TV and stereo. Their children, however, shouldn’t be part of the math.

“You can’t just share children in accordance with what’s right for the parents,” he said. Spending one week living with their mother and one week with their father is too stressful for many, he claims.

Hjermann told Aftenposten that he’s had to deal with some parents who even want their children to attend two different schools, in order to live part-time with the mother and part-time with the father. He advises strongly against that. He concedes that some children manage to move back and forth between their parents, but he thinks that only works well when the parents live close to one another and cooperate well.

Hjermann’s recommendation against commuting children “disappoints” top Labour Party politician Karita Bekkemellem, who until recently was the government minister in charge of family issues.

“It’s most unfortunate that in 2008, the children’s ombudsman doesn’t equate the positions of mother and father,” she told Aftenposten. She claims that too many fathers feel short-changed, when their wives are all too often granted custody of the children.

Without shared living arrangements, “only one of the parents gets to have close contact with the children in everyday life,” Bekkemellem said. “All our experience shows that it will continue to be the fathers who are discriminated against.”

Below are some recent articles and items of interest from Fathers & Families’ latest News Digest.

Egypt weighs legality of divorce by text message (USA Today, 1-3-08)

Center contributing to falling divorce rate (Springfield News-Sun, 1-4-07)

Bring families together and keep them together (Woodtv.com, 1-4-08)

Lawyer: Delinquent child support online (Associated Press, 1-4-08)

Keeping joint custody cordial (KSFY.com, 1-4-08)

“I’ve lost three children. Losing another would destroy me,” says Terry Cannings (The Daily Mail, 1-5-08)

Non-custodial parent faces kidnapping charges after alleged absconding with child on Christmas (Texarkana Gazette, 1-6-08)

New year is busy time for divorce lawyers (Telegraph, 1-7-08)

Survey finds men have lost their role in society (Telegraph, 1-7-08)

Sites help smooth bumps on road to Splitsville (Palm Beach Post, 1-7-08)

From my co-authored column ‘Sperm Theft” Ruling a Step Forward for Men”s Reproductive Rights (Houston Chronicle, 3/6/05):

“All”s fair in love, war, and paternity cases. When child support is sought, there is scarcely any deceit that courts won”t push aside under the “best interests of the child’ test.

“Courts have ruled that boys who were statutorily raped by older women must pay child support. Courts have ruled that when a woman has taken the semen from a condom a man used for sex with a different woman and has inserted it in herself, the man must still pay child support. Courts have ruled that when a woman has concealed her pregnancy (denying the man the right to be a father) and then sued for child support a decade later, the man must still pay child support. Courts have ruled that when a woman has deceived her husband into believing that her baby is his child, he must still pay child support. Few if any men are relieved of child support obligations due to the circumstances of the pregnancy, no matter how bizarre or unjust.”

A good new ruling from the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. From the Associated Press’ Sperm donor wins Pa. appeal to not pay child support (1/3/08):

“A woman who promised a sperm donor he would not have to pay child support cannot renege on the deal, the Pennsylvania Supreme Court ruled (pictured).

“The 3-2 decision overturns lower court rulings under which Joel L. McKiernan had been paying up to $1,500 a month to support twin boys born in August 1994 to Ivonne V. Ferguson, his former girlfriend and co-worker…

“Ferguson and McKiernan met while working together at Pennsylvania Blue Shield in Harrisburg and had a sexual relationship that had waned before Ferguson persuaded him to donate sperm for her. Courts found that the two agreed McKiernan would not have to pay child support and would not have visitation rights, but Ferguson later changed her mind and sued. Ferguson’s lawyer has disputed that the agreement existed in the first place, but courts have agreed with McKiernan on that issue.

“Between the time of the donation and when Ferguson sought support in 1999, McKiernan moved to Pittsburgh, got married and had a child.

“A county judge called Ferguson’s actions despicable but said it was in the twins’ best interests that McKiernan be required to support them. In addition to monthly payments, McKiernan also was ordered to come up with $66,000 in back support…”

Thanks to Judge Rufus Peckham, a reader, for the story.

“Officers said that Danielle Kah chased after her child’s father’s car on Sedler Street, ramming it from behind until he stopped. When the father stopped, police said, Kah opened the door of his car and took their 4-year-old daughter, then fled into a nearby wooded area.”

A classic case of domestic violence by a woman against a man, and what do we get from the police and the media?

1) She rams his care repeatedly, endangering him and his daughter, then absconds with the girl into the forest. Yet all she is charged with is endangering a child because the girl didn’t have her jacket on.

2) No mention of whether the father was injured.

3) No mention of “domestic violence.”

4) A ludicrous $2,000 bond–far lower than what men arrested for domestic violence get, even though many of those arrests are questionable, to say the least.

What would happen if a father repeatedly rammed his ex-wife’s car while the little girl was in inside, and then absconded with her? There’d be an Amber Alert and he’d be headed to prison.

The story is below–thanks to Mike in Savannah for sending it to me.

Mother Charged After Taking Child Out In Cold
1/2/08, WLWT.com

CINCINNATI — Cincinnati police have charged a woman with child endangering after a strange incident on Tuesday afternoon.

Officers said that Danielle Kah chased after her child’s father’s car on Sedler Street, ramming it from behind until he stopped.

When the father stopped, police said, Kah opened the door of his car and took their 4-year-old daughter, then fled into a nearby wooded area.

Police said the child was not dressed for the freezing temperatures.

Officers were able to find Kah and her child and take them into custody.

The child was not seriously hurt.

Bond for Kah was set at $2,000 on Wednesday.

[Late note: Hugo, a reader, writes:

“I just called the news station and asked if they intended to do a follow-up story on this case in order to find out why the police were not charging Ms. Kah with Domestic violence, Child abduction, interfering with custody, etc.

“I was told ‘that’s a very good question. I’ll pass it along, and see if we can look into that.’

If you are curious as I was, you also may wish to call them. Their contact info is:

WLWT-TV
Main Number: (513) 412-5000
1700 Young Street
Cincinnati, Ohio. 45202]

“The children are so alienated and have been so brainwashed against me that they refuse to talk to me or even look at me. They just sit and continually ask when the session will be over. These are children that I acted as the stay at home dad as for five years…I have fought for over two years and spent my life savings and I have seen my children a total of seven hours in two years.”

Dear Mr. Sacks,

I am a father of two girls, now age eight and six. In September of 2005 my wife was caught in an extra-marital affair. She told me she would “get me, destroy me, and make a divorce as hard on me as she could’ if I tried to find out the identity of her lover.

Long story short she took out a restraining order on me one month later and then filed false sexual abuse charges against me. I totally and completely cooperated with the courts. A court appointed therapeutic team concluded that I never did anything wrong. I took and passed three polygraph tests. My wife failed one saying that she coached the children against me. This sordid tale has continued on for over two years. I spent over $400,000 in trying to get to see my children.

Finally I was allowed visitation as we came to a settlement on the divorce and she agreed to me having custody for two days out of the week.

The only problem is now I see the two girls with a court appointed psychologist. The children are so alienated and have been so brainwashed against me that they refuse to talk to me or even look at me. They just sit and continually ask when the session will be over. These are children that I acted as the stay at home dad as for five years (my ex is an attorney and I stayed home with the kids).

So now I have no more money to continue this fight. My wife was awarded the $1.5 million dollar house (it was paid for) and got almost all the other assets. I now live in a crappy one-bedroom apartment and she and her new live-in stay in my old four bedroom house.

I am giving up on ever seeing my children again. I have lost everything and no court has ever helped me out. The system is broken and fathers have no rights, at least not in the state of Hawaii.

I applaud you in trying to help other fathers stay in contact with their children. I never thought I would give up being reunited but I have fought for over two years and spent my life savings and I have seen my children a total of seven hours in two years. My ex-wife is relentless and will never give up trying to destroy me.