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DV Conference Report #18: Salma Hayek Has Interesting Story about What Makes Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

Sacramento, CA–Background: The historic, one-of-a-kind conference “From Ideology to Inclusion: Evidence-Based Policy and Intervention in Domestic Violence” was held in Sacramento, California February 15-16 and was a major success. The conference was sponsored by the California Alliance for Families and Children and featured leading domestic violence authorities from around the world.

Many of these researchers are part of the National Family Violence Legislative Resource Center, which is challenging the domestic violence establishment’s stranglehold on the issue. The NFVLRC promotes gender-natural, research-based DV policies.

I have been and will continue to detail the conference and some of the research that was presented there in this blog–to learn more, click here.

During the conference, Dr. Jennifer Langhinrichsen-Rohling of the University of South Alabama explained that many women who stay with their batterers or abusers are not staying out of fear or because of their kids. “Love has a lot to do with it,” she said.

I thought this was an interesting quote at the time, and today I saw a story which brings Langhinrichsen-Rohling’s assertion to life. From the article Salma Hayek’s Domestic Violence Experience:

“Salma Hayek (pictured) leaped at the chance to support a domestic violence campaign, after witnessing abuse as a child. Hayek was shocked to see her father attacked after he had tried to intervene in a fight in the streets between a husband and wife.

“The 5’4” actress – who is spokesmodel for a new V-Day campaign – tells Glamour magazine, ‘The first time I saw domestic violence firsthand was when I was in Mexico, taking a walk with my family, and we came upon a man beating up this woman.’

“My father intervened and fought the man and won. I remember thinking, ‘Oh my God, my father is a hero.’ Then the woman turned around and started beating up my father.

“I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. After that I became very intrigued with what makes a woman stay in an abusive relationship. How does her spirit break?”

I’m not sure if a “broken spirit” is the proper explanation. Langhinrichsen-Rohling explained that during her research she had wondered why some of the women were leaving a battered women’s shelter in less than a week. The answer, she said, is that they too were engaging in violence against their partners, and in some cases had left to pick up the battle again. Jennifer explained, “We weren’t helping these women because we were ignoring their paradigm.”

Since the woman in Hayek’s story promptly began beating up Hayek’s father, it seems plausible that the woman Hayek’s father tried to save was not exactly a victim, but instead a woman in a mutually abusive relationship. That does not, of course, excuse her husband for his abuse of his wife and his use of his superior strength against her.

Langhinrichsen-Rohling specializes in Juvenile, Family, and Intimate Partner Violence. Her email address is jlr@usouthal.edu.

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9 Years in Prison for Child Support?!

South Bend, IN–Nine years in prison for failing to pay child support? Nine years? Plus 15 more on probation. Seems very harsh, even if the guy really was guilty which, when dealing with the child support system, is often questionable. Maybe Charles Gillam (pictured) really was an irresponsible creep who earned a good income but chose to let his babies starve. I suspect, however, that he may instead have been just one more low-income minority father who got caught up in the abusive child support system. Probably it was some combination of both.
The story is below. To learn more about the child support system and its abuses, click here. A question–this is the longest prison term I remember for child support–does anybody know of a case with a longer one? Man $120,000 behind in child support gets 9-year sentence in South Bend By Tiffany Griffin South Bend Tribune, 3/7/08 SOUTH BEND — A 34-year-old South Bend man was sentenced to serve nine years in prison for not paying child support. Charles Gillam also was ordered by a St. Joseph Circuit Court magistrate to be placed on probation for 15 years upon his release from prison. He was more than $120,000 in arrears as of Jan. 31, according to a news release from the St. Joseph County prosecutor”s office. Gillam pleaded guilty in 2007 to three counts of non-support of a dependent child, a Class C felony.

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Woman Forges Ex-Husband’s Signature on IVF Papers, Has 2 Kids Through Scam, but It’s OK-She Was ‘Desperate’

England–“Dr Josephine Quintavalle, of the pressure group Comment on Reproductive Ethics, said: ‘We do not condone deceit, but it does show how desperate women are often to get pregnant.’

“She added: ‘If men give their consent to the creation of embryos, I don’t think they should be able to withdraw their consent.'”

When a man does something wrong, he’s bad. When a woman does, she’s desperate. In the story below, the word “desperate” is used twice in a 515 word story, lest anyone read a few paragraphs and be tempted to hold the woman accountable for her actions.

Thanks to Malcolm, a reader, for the story.

Husband discovered he was a father of two after estranged wife forged his signature in IVF deception
By Colin Fernandez
Daily Mail
, 3/7/08

A husband is threatening legal action after his estranged wife twice gave birth without his consent by using frozen embryos created while they were still together.

The woman deceived a world-renowned IVF clinic into fertilising her on two occasions by forging her husband’s signature on a consent form.

Her husband only learned he was the genetic father when one of the children became seriously ill and a relative broke ranks and contacted him.

Research shows that an increasing number of women desperate to conceive are duping clinics to be fertilised with eggs for which their former partners have not given consent.

Bourn Hall Clinic, in Cambridge, where the world’s first “test-tube baby”, Louise Brown, was conceived, confirmed it had been contacted by lawyers representing the father.

Dr Thomas Mathews, the clinic medical director, said: “There has been a case where a woman deceived us into implanting embryos without her husband’s consent.

“The Human Fertility and Embryology Authority recommends that husbands are present, but it is not a legal requirement…

A spokesman for the HFEA said it believed the legal safeguards to ensure both the father and a mother of a frozen embryo had given their consent were sufficient.
John Paul Maytum, of the HFEA, said: “The systems are there to ensure the proper consent is obtained. It is up to the clinics to implement them.”

He added that either partner could withdraw consent to stop the other using a frozen embryo held at an IVF clinic.

“Of course when a relationship breaks up it is probably not the first thing that a person thinks of,” he said.

Mr Maytum said that in the 17 years of the HFEA’s existence there had been very few similar cases.

However, recent research by St Bartholomew’s Hospital in London, suggests that half of British fertility clinics are being duped into treating patients using false identities.

Many clinics believe they may have experienced fraud such as patients lying about their age or the true identity of the potential father, said researchers.

Dr Josephine Quintavalle, of the pressure group Comment on Reproductive Ethics, said: “We do not condone deceit, but it does show how desperate women are often to get pregnant.”

She added: “If men give their consent to the creation of embryos, I don’t think they should be able to withdraw their consent.”

Read the full article here.

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Fathers & Families News Digest, 3-17-08

Below are some recent articles and items of interest from Fathers & Families’ latest News Digest.

20 Oregon parents arrested for child support lapses (Associated Press, 3-9-08)

No jail for man who owes $462K in support (United Press International, 3-11-08)

Wife stabs husband in Phoenix during talk about divorce (ABC, 3-11-08)

Teen tries to help others cope with divorce (The News & Observer, 3-11-08)

Law requires cooling off period after domestic violence arrests (Associated Press, 3-13-08)

Court dismisses all charges of contempt for unpaid child support against Richard Lorden, a long beach businessman (California Newswire, 3-14-08)

Getting back in the dating scene after divorce (CBS, 3-15-08)

Lend a Hand: One Place program helps fathers support their children (Tuscaloosa News, 3-16-08)

Mills awarded $48.6 million in divorce (LA Times, 3-17-08)

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Imagine This Was Your Ex-Wife’s Lawyer…

Atlantic City, NJ–“She was an ambitious lawyer and TV commentator who starting going to Atlantic City casinos to relax, and soon was getting high-roller treatment that included limousines whisking her to the resort….But her gambling spun out of control…She says her losses totaled nearly $1 million.

“Now she’s chasing the longest of long shots: a $20 million racketeering lawsuit in federal court against six Atlantic City casinos and one in Las Vegas, claiming they had a duty to notice her compulsive gambling problem and cut her off.”

In family court fathers are often vilified by their ex-wives and their exes’ attorneys. Whatever it is, somehow dad is always wrong and has let everyone down.

Feminist family law attorney Arelia Margarita Taveras (pictured) wrote The Gangsta Girls’ Guide To Child Support, described by the Associated Press as a “guidebook for women dealing with deadbeat dads in the court system.” According to the AP, Taveras’ gambling losses totaled nearly $1 million. She lost her law practice, her apartment, her parents’ home, and owes the IRS $58,000. She dipped into her clients’ escrow accounts to finance her gambling habit, was disbarred last June, and faces criminal charges.

She does know right where to place the blame, though–on the casinos. “They had a duty of care to me,” she explains.

It certainly is sad to see someone destroy their life this way. Still, given her “it’s always their fault” mentality, can you imagine what it would be like if this was your ex’s lawyer?

The story is below–thanks to Katie, a reader, for sending it to me.

Woman Files $20M Long-Shot Casino Suit
By Wayne Perry, Associated Press
3/8/08

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. (AP) ­ She was an ambitious lawyer and TV commentator who starting going to Atlantic City casinos to relax, and soon was getting high-roller treatment that included limousines whisking her to the resort.

Arelia Margarita Taveras says she was even allowed to bring her dog, Sasha, to the blackjack tables, sitting in her purse.

But her gambling spun out of control: She said she would go days at a time at the tables, not eating or sleeping, brushing her teeth with disposable wipes so she didn’t have to leave.

She says her losses totaled nearly $1 million.

Now she’s chasing the longest of long shots: a $20 million racketeering lawsuit in federal court against six Atlantic City casinos and one in Las Vegas, claiming they had a duty to notice her compulsive gambling problem and cut her off.

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Brandweek Again Criticizes Anti-Male Ads, Cites Our Campaigns

Los Angeles, CA–“Background: Brandweek Magazine is one of the largest publications in the advertising world, and it has repeatedly covered the problem of anti-male advertising, as well as our efforts to combat it. To learn more about Brandweek’s commendable coverage, click here. Our campaigns include: Campaign Against Anti-Father Verizon Commercial, Campaign Against Anti-Male Advertising, Campaign Against Detroit News ‘Get Her a Gift or She”ll Give You a Black Eye” Ad and Portable On Demand Storage Decides to Remove Anti-Male Ad in Face of Protests. The Volvo/Arnold campaign referenced above was the brainchild of advertising guru Richard Smaglick of www.fathersandhusbands.org, and he worked with me on the campaign.
To learn more about the problems with the way men are portrayed in advertising, click here. Brandweek Senior Reporter Mike Beirne gets it right in his new, 2,500 word piece about men and fathers in advertising–Marketers used to venerate the father figure. So why are they making him look like such an ass? (3/3/08). Beirne discusses our campaigns against anti-male advertising and quotes several authorities in the advertising world who sympathize with us. He also details numerous anti-male/anti-father ads, largely the ones we’ve covered and criticized on this blog over the past year. The article’s only downside is Mike’s unfortunate decision to end with a piece of asininity from Mark Tungate, author of the upcoming book Branded Male: Marketing to Men: “Tungate said men should learn to take unflattering advertising images in stride. After all, he pointed out, it’s more or less their turn. “‘One day, women will be happy to be sent up, too,’ he said. ‘But right now, they’re still smarting from all the times they were made to strip in aircrafts, sprawl over car hoods or compare different types of detergent. We’ve had it our way forever, and we still get paid more. We can take a little ribbing.'”

If readers would like to write a Letter to the Editor of Brandweek and express their views about this piece (and Tungate), go to feedback@brandweek.com.

Marketers used to venerate the father figure. So why are they making him look like such an ass? By Mike Beirne (Brandweek, March 03, 2008) Advertisers have always had a treasure chest of All-American iconography to draw from, and few are as durable–one might even say sacred–as those of Life with Father. Take, for instance, the 1962 State Mutual of America ad with the photo of dad showing his little boy how to line up his tin soldiers (“Some fathers make good generals, too,” oozed the copy). There’s the classic 1950s ad from Lionel model trains showing father and son bonding at trackside below the confident caption: “One of the best ways men get to know each other.” As recently as 1994, an ad for the Krugerrand called “Generation to Generation” pictured a proud father about to give one of the famed solid-gold coins to his college-graduate son. “Maybe someday,” mused dad, “he’ll show it to his kid when he’s trying to get him to do his homework.” What a touching thought. Let’s fast-forward to someday . . .It’s exactly a decade later, 2004, and a new TV spot for Verizon DSL brings viewers into the family den during homework hour. There’s dad (who probably cashed in that Krugerrand to get the house down payment) looking over the shoulder of his young daughter as she sits before a computer. In just a moment, dad will surely lean forward with his pencil to explain that confounding trigonometry problem. But no. Unfortunately for the little girl, dad is a gaping moron. He stares saucer-eyed at the screen in utter helplessness while his progeny–tearing across the Web with her mouse–wears a look of untrammeled disgust. “Leave her alone,” barks mom, who arrives just in time to ward off the dolt she married. So much for father knowing best. Maybe Robert Young was bound to turn into Homer Simpson eventually, but nowhere is there starker evidence of just how far fathers have fallen in popular esteem than your average piece of major-brand marketing. While recent years still bear traces of the American dad of the Norman Rockwell era (the ad showing a gray-haired patriarch dispensing advice to his son over a tumbler of Dewar’s, for example), increasingly common are spots like the contentious trio from Fidelity Investments via Arnold, Boston, which show fathers acting, more or less, like frat boy assholes. In “Kid’s Toy,” a bored father in a doctor’s waiting room becomes entranced by a simple children’s toy while real children look on in pity. “Ping-Pong” shows a father utterly demolishing his doe-eyed daughter in a game of table tennis in the garage, then gloating over his victory by pointing his finger at her and laughing. It’s common marketing wisdom that ads which play to emotions can really get the job done, even when those emotions are shock and anger. But at a time when many bemoan the erosion of the family unit and social scientists can clinically prove the critical role of fathers in childhood development, one can’t help but wonder: Is it such a good idea to make dad look like a total jerk? Shouldn’t marketers know better? Setting up dad as the punch line is easy in a world where taboos have vanished and entertainment sells everything. But in that same world–one in which traditional gender roles are mutating and men are doing more domestic duties than ever–some say that advertisers who flip the bird at dad are, in effect, doing it at tomorrow’s core customer. Scott Mires, founder and creative director of San Diego ad shop Mires+Ball, points out that inside the average American home “there’s been a shift in shared responsibility” that’s increasingly putting fathers in the role of “understanding what brands their kids like.” In other words, more and more, it’s dad who’s pushing the shopping cart these days, not mom. So you wanna insult him? Brands that “leave out men as a whole category,” Mires said, “are really missing a big opportunity.” Mister Mom The psychology behind poke-fun-at-dad marketing is easy enough to understand. After all, virtually since the invention of the United States, dad’s been the breadwinner and mom’s been the shopper. For the baby- boomer generation (whose fathers imbued in them a fiscal conservatism forged in the Great Depression). it only made sense to treat dad like the tightwad and mom as the spender, and focus most all marketing efforts on the lady of the house. Back in the old days, ads that focused on dad focused on the handful of things a guy would buy for himself: a shaving razor, perhaps, and of course the family car. In those spots, dad was king, and he was a damn smart guy, too. He was, for instance, the man in a 1970 print ad for Mercedes who said people thought he was crazy for paying more than $8,000 for a car. The photograph in the ad pictures a woman driving the car in a bad storm with two children tucked into the back seat. “But when my wife and kids are out there on a day like today,” echoes the sage patriarch, “that car is the best investment I ever made.” That ad almost still coaxes an emotional sigh. But in truth, the domestic model it represents is roughly as accurate as a Leave it to Beaver episode. While statistically, mothers still assume the heavier childcare burden, fathers have slipped out of their tasseled loafers to be more mom-like than ever before. According to a University of Michigan study, while fathers in the 1970s spent only a third as much time as their wives in child-rearing duties, that time had risen to 43% by the time of the college’s 1999 report. In 2007, when Waterbury, Conn.-based Harrison Group asked men about the time they spent sharing household work with their wives, 56% of them said they split it right down the middle. Perhaps most telling of all: When Monster.com recently asked dads if they’d be a stay-at-home parent if money were no object, 70% of them said they would. Yet dumping on dads persists. A Pizza Hut spot from BBDO, New York, portrays a proud male who’s just “prepared” dinner for his family–by ordering in from the Hut (“Who says I can’t cook?” proclaims goofy dad). T-Mobile’s ad “26” stars a father whose life skills do not include the ability to multiply 5 times 5. And a spot for the iRobot Roomba vacuum features a wife complaining that her house is a mess because “my husband is a jackass.” (Full disclosure: The wife only nods toward the donkey’s ass when referring to her husband.) So, what gives? What were the account creatives thinking when they decided to poke a finger in dad’s eye? Well, don’t expect them to tell you. Arnold declined to comment about the Fidelity campaign. BBDO and Pizza Hut also declined to comment for this story. Some argue that marketers, ever desperate for a laugh, are simply taking the path of least resistance. “Lazy ad agencies love gags,” said Mark Tungate, author of the upcoming book Branded Male: Marketing to Men. “Slapstick is the easier form of humor, and men are the safest victims. It’s acceptable to slam Justin Timberlake in the balls, but adland would never dream of beating on a woman.” (Tungate, who’s based in Paris, added that dumbo-dad marketing tactics are hardly the sole possession of American advertisers. “I can assure you that men are the butt of most of the jokes on this side of the pond, too,” he said.) Others claim that a kind of reverse psychology is in play. “Part of branding is storytelling, and a good story has someone playing the fool to make [someone else] look good by comparison,” said Jim Twitchell, a marketing professor at the University of Florida, Gainesville, and author of Where Men Hide, an analysis of male camaraderie. “So whoever makes the women or the kid look smart is the doofus.” Making Dad Mad Others are clearly of the opinion that the doofus title belongs with the brand, not the man. One of them is Rose Cameron, svp and planning director at Leo Burnett, Chicago, who maintains that “when advertisers push portrayals of men as buffoons, they really anger men–who already are not on strong footing.” Another of them is Glenn Sacks. The newspaper columnist, talk show host blogger and commentator led a 2004 grassroots campaign to get Verizon to yank its “Homework” spot off the air. He succeeded, too. In fact, Sacks’ effort got ink from 300 publications nationwide. For its part, Verizon claimed that “Homework” had simply finished its scheduled run. Sacks’ response: Yeah, sure. “We clearly had an impact,” he said. “Because a Verizon pr person asked me to take down the page [on my blog] about that campaign. I told her, ‘We’re keeping it up there.’ “Last year, Sacks joined with FathersAndHusbands.org in a grassroots effort to persuade carmaker Volvo against keeping its advertising account with Arnold during a review because of the agency’s portrayal of men in the Fidelity ads. More than 3,000 people supported that campaign by contacting Volvo. (Incidentally, RSCG’s Volvo ad “Rosi,” a European campaign, is one that Sacks lauds for being “touching” for its portrayal of a sensitive father.) In response, the carmaker sent a letter to Sacks promising to run family-friendly commercials. Volvo ultimately kept Arnold. “It’s not my summer job in life to find ads and pretend to be offended by them,” said Sacks. “Some ads are funny, and I don’t rip apart every ad that shows a guy in a less-than-flattering way. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with poking fun at men. But it’s getting real old when you see so much of that over and over.” It’s getting real old for the men, too. In 2005, Leo Burnett released its “Man Study,” which had interviewed more than 2,000 men from 13 countries about their self-perception and their societal roles. When it came to images of the male in advertising, 79% of respondents said those media portrayals were out of touch with reality. “Unfortunately I think a lot of ads are directed at ourselves, the marketing community, rather than the consumer,” said Burnett’s Cameron. “Also, one of the great markers [society] looks to about the intelligence of a woman is her choice of husband. So if advertisers position men as idiots in the husband scenario, then you’re commenting on her smarts. Women have told us, ‘If you want to get on my good side, you do not show my husband as the idiot.'” Read the full article here.

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‘Now my husband, whom I formerly targeted and I, his former alienator, work together to heal our family’

Los Angeles, CA–“Now my husband, whom I formerly targeted and I, his former alienator, work together to heal our family and help other families with what we are learning. It has been quite a process, unraveling the web of lies that I had spun. I apologize to our kids and now work to tell the truth to them and others.” I recently received this amazing letter from Gaye, a reader, about Parental Alienation. She is a former Parental Alienator who turned her life around and is now trying to make amends. I salute her.
Nine U.S. states and the British territory of Bermuda have declared April 25 “Parental Alienation Awareness Day.” To learn more, visit www.Parental-Alienation-Awareness.com. To learn more about Parental Alienation, see my co-authored column Protect Children from Alienation (Providence Journal, 7/8/06) or my blog posts on it here. Now my husband, whom I formerly targeted and I, his former alienator, work together to heal our family by Gaye My husband and I met while in college and married shortly after I graduated from college. After our 2nd child was born, my parents came to visit. My husband was still finishing college and was working also. I rarely saw him and there were some problems, although minor. I made the mistake of sharing those problems with my parents when they visited. Their solution: “We”re taking the kids, you can come if you want.’ So I left without saying goodbye and fled across country with a 20 month old and a 1 week old. It was very much like a kidnapping. Once we settled, my parents pressured me to divorce my husband, based on a 1 year separation. My parents then proceeded to try to destroy my relationship with our kids. They projected all of the behaviors they had onto my ex and myself, saying we were abusive, crazy, horrible parents. Out of my pain, I in turn then worked at destroying our kids” relationship with their dad. By that time, he had moved across the country to be near us, got a job, bought a house, and established himself in a community so he could see the kids and pay child support regularly, which he did. This went on for 16 years. My life disintegrated drastically because of all of the anger and bitterness that I harbored and manifested towards my ex. I only thought I was hurting him by working at destroying his relationship with his kids. I didn”t realize I was hurting the kids. By 2004, I had been in the hospital 4 times with life threatening illnesses, lost my job at a law firm, gained so much weight that I was morbidly obese, and was addicted to Methadone, prescribed by doctors for the extreme pain that I was experiencing. Unknown to anyone but our kids, my parents had also been abusing me for years…physically, verbally, and sexually. The turning point began when our daughter called the police the last time my mother beat me. We got out of the house. A former boss and a family member got me into detox and rehab. By that time, I was on 18 different prescribed medicines. During the detox and rehab process, I was introduced to the 12 step program, through which I studied one of the steps that talked of thinking of ways you may have hurt others and God. Another step talked of asking God to forgive you and to make amends, where possible with others. I also received extensive counseling one on one, small group and large group while inpatient and outpatient. I was able to realize that I was wrong in keeping our kids from their dad. I decided to apologize and ask his forgiveness. I tried to contact him by phone first and he ignored me. I drove to his house and he wasn”t home. I left a note spelling out the apology and left a phone number. We had not seen each other or spoken to each other in 10 years, except at our daughter”s high school graduation. He was very wary of me at first, not trusting me that I had honestly changed and would not take him to court anymore or lie about him. Over a period of several months of talking on the phone and dating me, he could see I was genuinely sorry and that I had begun the process of changing and telling the truth. We remarried. Then I began the process of reuniting him with our kids. I was shocked to discover it was not that easy. That was when I realized all the damage I had done to our kids. It took some time to figure out that also my family continued to work to destroy our relationship with our kids and still do, to this day. But, I persist and our son now calls his dad “dad,’ which he never did before and tells him he loves him. Our daughter is starting to ask questions about her dad, but still will not talk to him. Now my husband, whom I formerly targeted and I, his former alienator, work together to heal our family and help other families with what we are learning. It has been quite a process, unraveling the web of lies that I had spun. I apologize to our kids and now work to tell the truth to them and others. I have a real burden to help others that are now targeted to give them hope for reconciliation and healing.

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New Column: A Response to Father-Bashing Syndicated Columnist Leonard Pitts

Los Angeles, CA–“There are cretins, there are cowards, there are rats that walk like men. And then there is Larry Patterson Jr…an officer tried to pull Patterson over last week…Patterson sped away…[and] crashed into another car. He did not hang around to exchange insurance information. Instead, he bailed.

“But he left something behind.

“Namely, his passenger. More to the point, his daughter. She was found wedged between the rear windshield and the deck behind the back seats. She is 5 months old…despite not being secured in a car seat, [she] came through the accident without injury.

“Her name is Larissa, perhaps in honor of her 19-year-old father. Speaking of that paragon of moral virtue, he was found four blocks away at a McDonald’s, windshield glass still in his hair…It is incomprehensible that a man, even a 19-year-old man, could be so disconnected from his own humanity, so disconnected from the humanity of his infant daughter, that he would do what Patterson allegedly did.

“Yet, looked at another way, what happened on that Orlando street is unique only in degree.

“We’ve spent years bemoaning the cancer of father absence that corrodes our communities from within, years decrying the selfishness and the lack of social sanction that allow so many men to abandon their children, to harden themselves against their cries of need.

“So what Patterson (allegedly) did is only the thing writ large, only the thing exaggerated, only the thing made visceral and manifest in the hard reality of two cars tangled and mangled in the middle of the street and a baby, manhandled by the laws of physics, crying for the man whose job, whose prime directive in life, should have been to protect her. The man who ran instead.

“If Patterson did what they say, he is contemptible. But also contemptible is the man who abandons his child in less spectacular ways, who leaves his child not in imminent danger, but in ongoing danger, who doesn’t flee an accident scene, but flees, nonetheless.”–syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts Jr.

My new column “Leonard Pitts” Column Unfair to Black Fathers, Ignores Reasons for Father Absence” (The Southern Illinoisan & others, 3-6-08) criticizes Pitts’ (pictured) recent syndicated column Children bear the burden when fathers walk out, which I quoted above.

We argue that while some black fathers walk away, others have been driven out of their children’s lives, and the family law system does little to protect their loving bonds with their children.

To write a Letter to the Editor about the piece and the issue, click here. To write to Leonard Pitts, click on lpitts@MiamiHerald.com.

The column, co-authored with family law attorney Jeffery M. Leving, is below.

Leonard Pitts” Column Unfair to Black Fathers, Ignores Reasons for Father Absence
By Jeffery M. Leving and Glenn Sacks

Leonard Pitts Jr.”s recent column “Man crashes car leaves 5-month-old in backseat’ excoriates “selfish’ African American fathers who “abandon their children [and] harden themselves against their cries of need.’ Pitts cites Larry Patterson, Jr., a 19-year-old black father who, after police tried to pull him over, allegedly sped away, smashed his car, and escaped, leaving his infant daughter in the backseat. Patterson is “unique only in degree,’ Pitts writes–for black men today, it”s “Every man for himself.’

Pitts” generalization is unfair. He is correct that some African-American fathers have behaved irresponsibly. However, he fails to see that many black fathers have been driven away by shortsighted, angry mothers and a family law system which does little to protect fathers’ loving bonds with their children.

When citing the reasons for father absence, Pitts mentions “divorce’ only in passing. Yet divorce and the breakups of unmarried couples are major causes of African-American fatherlessness.

Despite the stereotype of the feckless and irresponsible male, research shows that the vast majority of divorces are initiated by women, not by men. Even for unmarried couples, it”s doubtful that many dads wake up in the morning and say to themselves, “My child loves me and needs me, my girlfriend loves me and needs me–I”m outta here.’ Yes, some mothers have good reasons for these breakups. Yet, as Jonetta Rose Barras, the African-American author of Whatever Happened to Daddy’s Little Girl, explains, many black fathers are simply being “kicked to the curb.’

When a divorced or separated mother does not want her children”s father around anymore, she can usually push him out, particularly if the father does not earn enough money to pay for legal representation. Courts tilt heavily towards mothers in awarding custody, and enforce fathers” visitation rights indifferently. In most states, mothers are free to move their children hundreds or thousands of miles away from their fathers, often permanently destroying the fathers” bonds with their children.

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‘I Don’t Call Him Daddy’ (Music Video)

Los Angeles, CA–You said, ‘I don’t call him daddy, but he takes care of things./When you pick me up on Friday, are you gonna bring me anything?/Oh, don’t worry Dad, you know, it don’t matter what we do/Cause I don’t call him daddy, he can never be like you.'” Country singer Doug Supernaw’s “I Don’t Call Him Daddy” is a moving song about an economically strained divorced dad trying to maintain his relationship with his little son. The ending is bittersweet.
To watch the video, click here, or see below. Thanks to Marty, a reader, for sending it. [youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ta0DTKZWVJc]

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Governor Schwarzenegger: ‘My Kids Need Their Father Around’

Los Angeles, CA–In a recent Los Angeles Times story, Governor Schwarzenegger, my wife’s favorite politician, spoke about his kids’ need to have their father as a regular part of their lives. He said:

“The question is how can I be with my family, because that is extremely important, to be with my kids. They are all growing up. They are in their teens. They need their father around.

“I felt it took a toll on my family not being at home every day. So what I am trying to do is find that balance between the family and running the state.”

Schwarzenegger, pictured with wife Maria Shriver and one of his two sons, has four children, ranging in age from 12 to 19.

The story is Governor’s high-flying commute draws flak. Thanks to Peter, a reader, for sending it.