NPO Blog Archive

“In the American family, the mother comes first, then the kids, then the dog, then the cat, and then the father.”–Tomas, my Cuban immigrant father-in-law

I guess we can now add the family hamster and goldfish in there before the father, too. Recently California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and the California legislature took strong measures to protect goldfish, hamsters, bunny rabbits, cats, and dogs who are caught in abusive relationships by signing SB 353. Schwarzenegger joins Connecticut Governor M. Jodi Rell and others who have focused on this scourge, and realized the threat domestic violence poses to hamsters like little Cinnamon (pictured).

Earlier this year Rell signed a bill to protect pet victims of domestic violence. She explained:

“Pets are too often the silent victims of domestic violence. They cannot fight back, and they are presently afforded no protection under our current legal system.’

No, the above is not an Onion parody, it’s real. To Rell’s credit, however, she has declined to sign on to the ridiculous feminist charade that only men commit domestic violence. Earlier this year she commented, “Domestic violence cuts across all races, all income brackets, all levels of education – and both sexes.’ To learn more, see my blog post Good News–Pro Feminist Governor Acknowledges Women Also Commit Domestic Violence.

Earlier this year I co-authored a column on SB 353–CA Legislators Vote to Protect Pets from Domestic Violence but Deny Services to Male DV Victims (Long Beach Press-Telegram, 4/21/07). It is below.

CA Legislators Vote to Protect Pets from Domestic Violence but Deny Services to Male DV Victims
By Mike McCormick and Glenn Sacks
Long Beach Press-Telegram, 4/21/07

It would be difficult to make California”s controversial domestic violence policies more irrational and unfair to men, but Senator Sheila Kuehl (D–Santa Monica) is trying. California law has long excluded men and their children from receiving state-funded DV services, even though research demonstrates that a third of domestic violence-related injuries are incurred by heterosexual males.

The legislature reiterated this exclusion last fall by passing AB 2051, which references services for “battered women” 31 times yet never once mentions “male victims,” “men,” or even simply “victims.’ While California funds over 100 domestic violence shelters for women, there are only two facilities in the state which even accept male victims, and both of them are in remote areas.

Recently Kuehl and the California Senate Judiciary Committee took the state”s DV policies to a new level of absurdity by passing a law to address the issue of domestic violence and…pets!

Bruce Springsteen says he wrote the song “Factory” for his father, a New Jersey factory worker. Many of Springsteen’s songs chronicle the ways his father and other working class men struggle to support their families.

Springsteen originally performed the song as a piano ballad on his 1978 album Darkness at the Edge of Town, but performs it here almost as a Country Western song. He’s accompanied by the Seeger Sessions Band.

Springsteen sings:

“Early in the morning factory whistle blows,
Man rises from bed and puts on his clothes,
Man takes his lunch, walks out in the morning light,
It’s the working, the working, just the working life.

“Through the mansions of fear, through the mansions of pain,
I see my daddy walking through them factory gates in the rain,
Factory takes his hearing, factory gives him life,
The working, the working, just the working life.”

To watch the video, click here or see below.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqe2DR_v8HQ]

Boston, MA and Los Angeles CA–Glenn Sacks and Fathers & Families today launched a nationwide protest. The issue is similar to the Elian Gonzalez case of about five years ago. In the present case, a Cuban mother brought her young daughter to the US, but underwent psychological deterioration, eventually attempting suicide. The Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF) found that the mother had abused and neglected the five-year-old girl, and properly placed her in temporary foster care. But although the DCF had the name and phone number of the father in Cuba, it made no attempt to contact him. Moreover, once Rafael Izquierdo learned of the situation and came to the US to take over the care of his five year old girl, the DCF ginned up a series of unsupported accusations against him and hired 21 lawyers to oppose his bid to resume custody of his own daughter. On September 27, 2007, after a full two week hearing, the Florida court found that the DCF”s accusations against Izquierdo were unfounded and that he is a committed father. Yet the DCF”s lawyers continue to oppose his reunification with his daughter, and apparently intend to appeal, thus delaying normalcy for this girl for another year or two. Our demand is for the DCF to drop its case against the father, to get out of this girl”s life, to let her grow up in the loving care of her father, and to respect the right of fit parents to raise their own children free of government interference. There are numerous cases all around the country in which state agencies ignore, obstruct or oppose non-custodial fathers when they attempt to take over the care of their children after the mother has abused or neglected them. So I am asking you to take two actions to address this dismal pattern: 1) Please forward this post to three people you know. Tell them you care about what happens to kids in foster care, and ask them to take action by following the links below. 2) Send a protest email to Governor Crist of Florida and several Florida state officials. There are two ways to do this, and each requires only one more click.      A) If you want to read the details of this case, including the court”s September 27 decision, previous newspaper reports of the case, and more, CLICK HERE.   This will take you to a page containing all you might wish to know about the case, plus a link to a pre-fab email to the governor and others. One more click will send the email and fax out to all.       B) If you trust Glenn and me that this campaign is meritorious, and don”t want to take the time to read all the back-up materials, CLICK HERE.  This will take you straight to the protest letter. Glenn and I are counting on you to make the voices of parents heard. Our goal is to generate 2,000 protests, which will enable our point of view to be heard when we send out follow-up press releases.

Next PAPA Meeting – Thursday, October 18 @ 7:00 p.m.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ParentsAgainstParentalAlienation/

WHAT: Next PAPA Meeting

WHEN: Thursday, July 19, 7:00 PM

WHERE: Framingham Civic League, 214 Concord Street (Rt.126) – Framingham, MA. We’re in a convenient location , just ten minutes from Mass Pike Exit 13 on Rt. 126. Bear right at the pike exit after tolls onto Route 30 Go about 3/4 of a mile to the light past the post office and make a left onto Concord Street (Rt.126.) Go over Rt.9, and #214 is the Framingham Civic League. There”s a lot just past the building.

COST: $20.00 or what you can afford. Refreshments served.

MODERATOR: Jeff Parks, LMFT — call (508)-561-8186 for information/directions

Dear Members and Supporters of Shared Parenting!

“Stress-busting” is the topic of our next PAPA Meeting. Please join us this Thursday as we discuss the STRESS of parenting, and how to use it in positive and productive ways. Under any circumstances parenting can be the toughest (and most rewarding) job going. For non-custodial parents, multiply the stressors and subtract the resources, and you see the challenges we face.

The October meeting will focus on parenting and self-care – the antidote to toxic stress. Many PAPA members have learned what it takes to care of ourselves in the most adverse of circumstances, and want to share it with you! Adversity, like stress, can teach us many lessons, starting with a realization that we are stronger, more resourceful, and most of all more loving than we know.

Achieving the best outcome for your children requires taking care of yourself. That”s no small task when you encounter the typical frustration and confusion resulting from thwarted efforts to protect and love your children. How do you honor the protective instinct and loving feelings you have when you”re being blamed for causing the problems to the one thing in life that”s most important to you? It”s no wonder so many non-custodial and alienated parents give up and go away.

At the meeting (as well as in our online listserv) you”ll be able to share your frustrations (most of our problems are common to others), and learn what you can do about them. There are strategies that work more effectively as many of us have learned, starting with in taking better care of ourselves. Our group works in part because we have members who are at different stages of separation/ divorce who have worked hard at learning what healthy coping is. Preserving our sanity in a world that is not very rational or safe often requires doing what is counter-intuitive. It”s often hard to believe, but it does get you to a better place in the role long run.

Our Meeting will offer you practical approaches to managing parenting stress in order to prevent and respond to PA/PAS. There are skills many of us have learned in being more patient as we increase our acceptance of the situations we cannot immediately change. We”ll discuss how to relax more effectively, maintain a rational response in the midst of an emotional storm, and really put the past in the past.

Being in the present is critical in coping with the pressures we face. We”ll discuss the importance of being organized and realistic in your expectations (starting with yourself). The importance of having balance in daily living and especially remembering to exercise cannot be understated, like having a proper diet and not abusing alcohol. Getting enough sleep in having a daily routine and as consistent a schedule as possible is also essential. Exceptions can be made for Red Sox playoff games.

I”ve learned that “what doesn”t kill you makes you stronger,’ but only if you realize that you are a work in progress. Making time to come to the meeting this week can benefit you and your child in ways that may be hard to see, but will prove to be real. Knowing that you”re not alone and that new, more successful strategies are possible is the best stress-buster of all.

PAPA meetings are open and we welcome newcomers to the meeting. You”ll be among friends who understand what you”re going through. We know how hard it is to be a warrior in the battle for the hearts and minds of our children. We”ve also learned that nothing in life is more important.

One more thing please. While the PAPA meetings are always on the third Thursday of the month, every Thursday except for the third week, I meet with fathers in an open group forum between 730 and 9:30 PM for a nominal fee. The meeting, at my office, 40 Speen Street in Framingham, brings together men looking to make the transitions in their family life as successful as possible. Please call me on my cell at (508)-561-8186 for more information regarding the fathers group or PAPA.

Thank you,
Jeff Parks.

Below are some recent articles and items of interest from Fathers & Families’ latest News Digest.

Victims of false domestic violence reporting detail experiences (West Virginia Record, 10-5-07)

R.I. Supreme Court to hear same-sex divorce case (The Boston Globe, 10-8-07)

Judge’s wife “changed story about fire death” (Telegraph, 10-10-07)

Group demonstrates in Hagerstown for shared custody (Herald-Mail News, 10-10-07)

Who gets custody? Fathers make their case (The Clarion-Ledger, 10-11-07)

41,300 county parents behind on child support (The Enquirer, 10-11-07)

Former Bengal settles child support case (Associated Press, 10-11-07)

Local group to host protest (The Journal, 10-15-07)

Heather and Paul on brink of resolving divorce battle (Daily Mail, 10-15-7)

Man, family reconcile in Latvia (St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 10-15-07)

During my youth, Jim Palmer (pictured) was pretty much the best pitcher in baseball, with the possible exception of Tom Seaver. He was usually the first starting pitcher we’d draft whenever I played Strat-O-Matic table baseball with my friends. From 1970 to 1978, Palmer went 176-97, and was voted into the Hall of Fame in 1990.

Soon after Palmer was born he had been adopted by Moe and Polly Wiesen. Moe died when he was nine, and the following year his mother married Max Palmer. Jim Palmer tells the following story about his dad in his autobiography, Palmer and Weaver:

“My father loves to tell this story. It was the Little League banquet in California. When it came time to announce the awards that night, I was going to get three trophies, one for the championship we’d won, one for the batting title, and one for the homerun leader.

“But I wasn’t Jim Palmer, I was still Jim Wiesen. My mom had married Max Palmer but I had kept my name. Until that night. I asked the coaches who handed out the awards to announce me by what I decided was my new name, ‘James Alvin Palmer.’

“On his 87th birthday, Max said, ‘Through all these years, that night was the highlight of my life.’

“[Eighteen years later] that was the name that went on my first Cy Young Award. Palmer. My dad Max loved it.”

“Another problem with VAWA is the way that it helps fund domestic violence advocacy groups” political agenda. Whenever we try to push forward legislation to help resolve some of the gross inequities of the family system and to protect the loving bonds children share with their fathers, these groups are out in force in the legislatures to stop us.

“That”s what happened with the California Shared Parenting Bill AB 1307 in California in 2005. The Assembly Judiciary Committee was largely sympathetic to our position–until the domestic violence groups showed up. Funded by your tax dollars, they plied the committee members with horror stories, deceptions, and half-truths, and the bill was soundly defeated.”

Pajamas Media advice columnist Dr. Helen Smith interviewed me recently on the subject of the Violence Against Women Act, the way our legal system handles domestic violence, and related issues. The interview was released today. It is excerpted above and can be seen at Fighting for Men’s Rights (Pajamas Media, 10/8/07).

Readers can comment on their experiences with domestic violence laws by clicking here.

Dr. Helen Smith also co-hosts The Glenn and Helen Show with blogger king Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit.com. Smith is a psychologist specializing in forensic issues who often has interesting things to say about gender issues and divorce. She can be reached at askdrhelen@hotmail.com.

“There is also substantial evidence that Izquierdo”s little girl is being alienated from him…

“According to Miguel Firpi, the girl”s psychologist, the girl ‘does not want to go to Cuba…she grinds her teeth at night.’ Firpi says the girl tore up a new toy her father had given her. When the girl was angry after a visit with her father, caseworker Maria Zamora said the girl explained that ‘she only had one father, and it’s [the foster caregiver].’

“Where would a normal four-year-old girl get such a strong aversion to her father, and to Cuba? How often does a four-year-old girl decide to destroy a new toy she”s been given? The girl is being taught to fear and dislike her dad.”

My co-authored column, In Controversial ‘Elian Gonzalez II” Case, Cuban Father Should Be Allowed to Take His Daughter Back to Cuba (The Buffalo News, 8/16/07), defends the Cuban father in his battle to get his daughter back from the foster care system and return to Cuba. The article was written shortly after the case was first made public–for my more recent coverage, click here.

In Controversial ‘Elian Gonzalez II” Case, Cuban Father Should Be Allowed to Take His Daughter Back to Cuba
By Mike McCormick and Glenn Sacks

Following an appeals court order, details of a year-long custody battle very reminiscent of the Elian Gonzalez case have now been made public. The battle over a 4-year-old Cuban immigrant girl pits her Cuban father, Rafael Izquierdo, against foster father Joe Cubas, a well-known Cuban-American sports agent, and his wife Maria. Just as Elian”s father Juan Gonzalez faced numerous unfair hurdles to get his son back, Izquierdo is being manhandled by the child welfare system, in part because of the system”s anti-father bias.

In 2005, the girl”s mother, with whom Izquierdo had a brief relationship, brought the girl to Miami from Cuba. The Florida Department of Children & Families removed the girl from her mother”s custody in 2006, after an investigation found that the woman’s mental illness rendered her an unfit parent. She was placed with the Cubas family, and Izquierdo came to the US to bring his daughter home.

Izquierdo, a fisherman and farmer from Cabaiguan, Cuba, has spent the last two months performing the numerous tasks DCF has demanded in order to be reunited with his daughter. Several child welfare experts have asserted that these tasks may be designed to make Izquierdo fail, so DCF can follow through on its stated goal of permanently placing the girl with the foster family.

Much of what Izquierdo is going through reflects well-documented problems with the child welfare system. An Urban Institute study released last year found that when a mother and father are divorced or separated, and a child welfare agency removes the children from the mother”s home for abuse or neglect, the system generally refuses to allow the fathers to raise their own children, instead shuttling the kids off into the foster care system.

Child welfare proceedings, including this one, are usually determined by the child welfare agency”s opinion as to what”s best for the child. This represents a tremendous usurpation of parental authority. When an agency has taken a child from an abusive or neglectful mother or father, its only further role should be to determine whether the other parent is fit. If the other parent is not found to be unfit, the child should be given to that parent, and the case closed. Only if there has been a finding of parental unfitness should the child welfare agency permanently place the child with a foster family.

Background: I’ve previously discussed an amazing series of domestic violence public service ads from HomeFront, a Canadian domestic violence agency, which demonstrate the way the domestic violence industry vilifies men. To learn more and to watch the ads, click here and here.

The following ad, produced by film students at the Madison Area Technical College Visual Communications Program in Madison, Wisconsin, was modeled on the HomeFront series. To watch the ad, click here, or see below.

It’s interesting that the ad portrays a man and only a man abusing a child, when the vast majority of child abuse is committed by mothers, not fathers.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0kGEC69S7c]