NPO Blog Archive

London, England–The woman describes her late husband as being a “fantastic father,” and he was also an attorney, but somehow he didn’t contribute enough to the family to meet her needs. Now that he’s dead and she has his life insurance money, she says she’s happier without him. What a sweetheart.

The story is below–thanks to Patrick, a reader, for sending it.

I”m happier since he died
The sudden death of her carefree husband left a reader in shock. Then she found that, financially and emotionally, life was easier
The Times (UK)
1/16/08

When Stephen died it was the speed of it all that stunned me at first. He”d been feeling tired and generally under the weather and I”d told him to see the GP, convinced that he had diplomatic flu (he was fed up at work). He was referred for further investigation immediately, which should have made us suspicious, but it took talk of an operation to make us realise that this was serious.

In the three weeks from his first visit to the doctor until the night he died, we didn”t face the possibility of his cancer being terminal, reassuring each other that something could be done. We were scared, but more of the treatment that lay ahead and how it would disrupt our lives before everything got back on track than fear that he would die.

Our families and several friends were in the house that night, as they had been regularly once we told them that Stephen was ill. His brother was helping him upstairs for a lie-down when Stephen called to me so urgently and desperately that I dropped the baby in my mum”s lap and ran to him. He just died there, at the bottom of the stairs, with his brother and me holding him.

You don”t expect someone to die at 30; it seemed totally unreal, telling our three-year-old daughter that Daddy had gone to heaven. Our son was still a baby and our family and friends, who were equally shocked, looked after everything for me to begin with. My grief was genuine, as was the shock. But the greatest shock of all soon followed, so shocking that I find it hard to write: I now prefer life without him.

Stephen and I met at university. Despite being totally different, we were inseparable instantly. I adored his relaxed attitude to life (I”ve always been a bit of a control freak). We worked well together, me getting him to his lectures, him persuading me that student life involved more than just studying. He proposed the day we graduated and we decided to get married the next summer, which meant a lot of organising. Suddenly we were doing very grown-up things. Or rather, I was, and Stephen was hovering in the background.

I had assumed that Stephen would become much more focused once we began working. I was doing my doctorate as well as working, but Stephen, a lawyer, never felt that he should help out more or focus on his career. His sick record (usually because of hangovers) was dreadful. He got annoyed when the first firm he worked in didn”t offer him a partnership. He moved to another one; two years later the same thing happened. He couldn”t grasp the connection between still living like a student and not being taken seriously. Perhaps I colluded in this, as it was easier for me to manage the finances and organise things. We were delighted when I became pregnant. He was a fantastic father to our children and still irresistible to me most of the time, except when I was too tired to appreciate a spontaneous bottle of champagne. When he died I thought it was the end of the world.

Then the second shock came: I realised how comfortable we now were financially. The mortgage was paid off instantly and Stephen”s pension kicked in. I”d had both of us insured to the hilt, and we now had a lot of money in the bank…

Read the full story here.

New York, New York–“We’re middle-class people with middle-class values. We came to Palm Beach for what was supposed to be the best day in the lives of two human beings, and ended up with two full days of crass negotiations for a prenuptial agreement.

“It was like a business transaction. That attitude is foreign to us. There was such urgency on Fisher’s part, it bordered on desperation.”–Joe Bailer, the groom’s father

A man refused to go through with the wedding to his lawyer bride after the woman’s billionaire father “demanded he sign a last-minute amendment agreeing to pay the woman alimony, no matter how much she inherits from her dad.” Story below.

Billionaire’s daughter’s wedding called off at last minute as father objects to pre-nup
Daily Mail (UK)
January 15, 2008

The wedding of a billionaire’s daughter was called off at the last minute because of a change to the prenuptial agreement.

The bride and groom along with 300 guests were left in limbo as the society wedding of the season ground to a halt.

Three ballrooms had been reserved for the million-dollar celebrations at the exclusive Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach, Florida.

In the end, the two families ended up having separate parties in adjoining hotels to ‘celebrate’ the wedding that never happened.

Late in the evening, the bride, Alexandra Fisher, put in a brief, tearful appearance among her family, dressed in black.

Meanwhile, the groom, Josh Bailer, glumly nursed a drink with his best man and his 80 guests.

They had been dating for three years and engaged for 18 months.

Miss Fisher, 28, is the lawyer-daughter of American hotel tycoon Jeff Fisher.

Mr Bailer, 33, is a Wall Street trader, wealthy in his own right, but not in the same league as Mr Fisher who last year sold his Innkeepers hotel chain for nearly £1 billion.

Three days before the wedding, the couple happily signed a prenuptial contract in which it was agreed that if the marriage failed, both sides would walk away with no alimony payments.

But on the wedding day, Mr Bailer’s father, Joe, said Mr Fisher demanded that Josh sign a last-minute amendment agreeing to pay Alexandra alimony, no matter how much she inherits from her dad.

Read the full story here.

Los Angeles, CA–Fred, a reader, recently wrote me with an interesting piece of information on how the IRS treats alimony and legal fees. Fred writes:

“IRS Publication 504 (Taxes for Divorced Individuals) states on page 20:

“‘FEES FOR GETTING ALIMONY…Because you must include alimony you receive in your gross income, you can deduct fees you pay to get or collect alimony.’

“This means that all legal fees the ex-wife pays in association with her receiving alimony are deductible as a Miscellaneous Deduction on Form 1040, Schedule-A. It doesn’t matter whether she is trying to retain the alimony she is now getting or if she initiates the proceedings to obtain more alimony. The legal fees are deductible to her, but your legal fees are not deductible to you. Even if the legal fees were just to defend yourself from having to pay more alimony.”

This seems rather unfair–any accountants out there know more about it?

Boston, MA–I have a hunch that huge numbers of fathers in America do not respect themselves as fathers. They may respect themselves as employees, as churchgoers, as guitarists, tennis players or friends, but not as fathers.

If men truly respected themselves as fathers, why would so many meekly accept second-class parenthood after separation or divorce? Why would so many watch television shows and ads that insult fathers? Why would so many vote for candidates who insult fathers? Why would so many in intact relationships routinely defer to mom”s judgment about what is best for the kids? Why would so many have children out of marriage, denying them any meaningful legal rights to their children?

I don”t know how many fathers this affects, except that the number is large. And I believe this lack of self-respect is at the heart of why the fathers” movement is still a marginal force in society.

It was not always so. When the feminists complain about a history of “patriarchy,’ they are talking about an era when fathers made most of the decisions about children. And if the parents parted, the children stayed with dad.

Somehow, we have swung from one extreme to another, from patriarchy to matriarchy. We need to find the middle. (I most definitely am not calling for a return to patriarchy. Fathers & Families” principles are clear: we believe in shared responsibility for children if both parents are fit.)

About two years ago, I gave a short speech at one of our General Membership Meetings, attended by the usual crowd of 90 or 100 people. The topic was “Shame.’ I thought it was a topic of mild interest to our members, but worth thinking about. To my astonishment, it generated perhaps the strongest reaction of any talk I have given. Some people were tearful, and many emailed me the next day to tell me how powerfully my words had affected them personally.

I think there is a lot of shame among fathers. And I think it gets in the way of reclaiming our fatherhood. Thus, it causes us to shortchange our children.

This brings me around to Martin Luther King. He was shot in Memphis in 1968. He was in Memphis to support a strike by garbage collectors, who sought better wages. To this day, I remember the photographs of the picket lines: old, forlorn, beaten-down black men carrying signs.

Here is what struck me and has stayed with me. The signs did not say “Higher Wages.’ They did not say “More Paid Holidays.’

They said, “I Am A Man.’ The men holding these signs wore their Sunday best.

It was a statement of pride among men who were accustomed to shame and defeat.

Our movement today will succeed when men all over the country throw off shame and say with pride, “I Am A Father.’

Fort Lauderdale, Florida–According to news reports:

This morning, the Patriots” star wide receiver Randy Moss has been the recipient of a restraining order filed by a Broward County, Florida woman who has claimed dating violence. He is required to stay 500 feet from her and cannot use or possess firearms. He allegedly caused the woman serious injury and then refused to allow her to seek medical attention.

At this point nothing more is known.

Is this based on a real incident, or is it a shake-down for money, or is it revenge, or publicity-seeking, or what? Moss has several strikes against him in the court of public opinion: he is male, he is black and he is an athlete. The public has been conditioned to profile people like Moss as perps.

Just like Ben Coates, a black Patriots star player, a tight end, I believe, whom I wrote about seven or eight years ago. Coates was brought up on criminal charges for alleged assault and battery of his girlfriend. He was acquitted by a jury when testimony revealed that he had ended his relationship with the woman several months earlier, that she came uninvited to HIS house at night, at which time he had another female guest, that he would not let her in, that she pounded on his car and dented it, and that he asked her calmly to stop, never touching her. Someone called the police, and they, of course, arrested HIM.

The icing on the cake: an auto salesman testified that the woman had been shopping for a luxury car a few days earlier and had assured him that she would soon have a big pile of money. In other words, she was shaking Coates down for money, and when he refused, she pulled her domestic violence stunt.

By all reports, Moss is a very hard-working player and is totally focused on winning a Super Bowl ring. With the arduous schedule of NFL players, it is hard to figure out when Moss would have had time recently for dating in Florida.

At the very least, this could be a distraction to Moss at a critical time. At worst, he has misbehaved in ways that are unacceptable.

What do you think the odds are?  50/50?    70/30 in favor of the allegation?  It is hard, even for those of us who know how many false restraining orders there are, to shake the effects of the overblown and downright lying claims in the media about domestic violence. On the one hand, wealthy young celebrity athletes are sitting ducks for accusations of this type. On the other hand, domestic violence is, of course, a real problem with real victims.

Tell me what you think the odds are.  Then we will watch.

“In my state I do not recall a circumstance…where a law of this kind interfered with the rights of a parent in a way that seemed like it was out of keeping, but if you”re familiar with such, let us know.’–presidential candidate Mitt Romney

We’ve often discussed the way restraining/protection orders based on false allegations of domestic violence are frequently used to separate fathers from their children. At a recent New Hampshire gathering, fatherhood activist Richard Smaglick asked presidential candidate Mitt Romney about the problem.

In response, Romney, who was governor of Massachusetts from 2003-2007, said that he could not recall a circumstance where such a thing had occurred, but said, “If you”re familiar with such, let us know.”

We appreciated Romney’s offer, and decided to take him up on it. We only had a couple of days to act, since it is widely believed that Romney will drop out of the presidential race if he is not successful in Michigan’s primary, which is Tuesday, January 15. Ned Holstein, Executive Director of Fathers & Families, put out an email asking for cases, and I posted my Call to Action! Romney Asks for Cases of Falsely Accused Fathers on Thursday. Your response was overwhelming, and on short notice we collected 300 cases to present to Romney.

Holstein, as he pledged to do, delivered the letters to Romney personally and publicly at the crowded “Romney for President/Change Begins With Us Victory Stop” at Lawrence Technological University in Southfield [Detroit] on Sunday. Holstein, Smaglick, and others also spent considerable time detailing the issue to a prominent journalist–we’ll let you know when the story comes out.

Thanks to Jim Semerad of Dads and Moms of Michigan, the very active American Coalition for Fathers & Children Michigan affiliate, Richard Smaglick of www.fathersandhusbands.org, Lary Holland of Family Court Reports, and others for their invaluable assistance.

When Smaglick first asked Romney about fathers being victimized by false domestic violence claims last week, Romney not only said that he was not aware of any fathers being unfairly separated from their children, but that he was “not familiar” with the Violence Against Women Act. He has since come under fire for this from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, the American Civil Liberties Union, Juliet Eilperin of the Washington Post, and numerous feminist bloggers.

To watch the video of Romney’s response, click here. To read a Washington Post reporter’s take on it, click here.

Rita Smith, Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, also criticized the fatherhood movement, saying:

“The continual use of some men’s groups to spout bogus facts and statistics is a problem we need to correct…[the idea] that men are falsely accused of domestic violence and lose contact with their children unjustly as a result…is not accurate…just the opposite is true.”

VAWA funds many of the services which help women obtain restraining orders against their husbands, but there is little judicial oversight of these orders, and they are frequently misused. Women need and deserve protection from abusive husbands, but restraining orders are often used as custody maneuvers in divorce–as swords, not as shields. The California State Bar”s Family Law News recently explained:

“Protective orders are increasingly being used in family law cases to help one side jockey for an advantage in child custody…[the orders are] almost routinely issued by the court in family law proceedings even when there is relatively meager evidence and usually without notice to the restrained person.’

In other presidential campaign-related activism, according to the Michigan shared parenting group A Child’s Right:

“A Child’s Right made sure to inject the fatherhood issue during a Mitt Romney Rally in Battle Creek, Michigan [on Saturday]. Darrick Scott-Farnsworth, Angela Pedersen and Robert Pedersen were able to get the Governor’s ear on fatherhood issues. Robert Pedersen spoke with Mitt about VAWA and Fatherhood Issues. Robert’s sweatshirt ‘Kids Still Need Both Parents’ caught Mitt Romney’s eye and he spoke about the issue on two different occasions…After the rally, A Child’s Right spoke with several other elected officials that were present.”

Below are some recent articles and items of interest from Fathers & Families’ latest News Digest.

Triplets’ surrogate mom can keep child support (Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 1-7-08)

Sheriff’s Dept. sweep targets child support scofflaws (The Tribune Democrat, 1-8-08)

Child support warrants to be served (Cherokee County Herald, 1-10-08)

Making change (Dickinson Press, 1-10-08)

Minister apologizes over child support bungle (The Star, 1-12-08)

Penalties differ on deadbeat parents (Associated Press, 1-13-08)

After holiday season comes annual divorce rush (National Post, 1-13-08)

After divorce, take steps to smooth parenting issues (Indianapolis Star, 1-14-08)

Unqualified mediators prey on broken families (Toronto Star, 1-14-08)

Manhunt out for 3 year old girl and mother (Business Gazette, 1-14-08)

In a potentially important development, Michigan shared parenting activists Mike Saxton and Dan Diebolt say that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee endorses shared parenting. According to Saxton:

“At a press conference [Monday] at Demmer Corp. in Lansing, Michigan, I had the opportunity to discuss shared parenting with Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. I asked…’if you were elected President what would you do you to ensure that children have equal access to both fit parents, regardless of marital status?’ He replied that he supports shared parenting…

“We discussed Michigan’s shared parenting bill HB 4564 and I asked if he would endorse it. He replied that he hadn’t read it but that he does support shared parenting. Rep. Rick Jones was also present at the press conference and in response to my request has forwarded a copy of HB 4564 to Governor Huckabee’s office.”

Huckabee (left) and Diebolt (right) are pictured above.

The drawing above was taken from Kara Bishop’s www.postcardsfromsplitsville.com. Bishop works with Children of Divorce, a class run by Tucson, Arizona-based Divorce Recovery. The class did an art project that included “sending away” the frustrations of divorce. The website is a place where Kara says “children can share their divorce-related feelings anonymously and parents can get a new perspective on how this life-changing experience impacts their children”s lives.”

To learn more, click here. Kara can be reached at Kara@PostcardsfromSplitsville.com.