Author: Super User

A couple years ago my 80-year-old father received a slew of Victoria’s Secret charges on his credit card. He was able to get it straightened out, but said something along the lines of “it’s amazing what these idiots do–they could’ve caused somebody a divorce with an error like that.”

No surprise–a North Dakota child support enforcement agency just did a similar thing. According to this recent Bismarck Tribune story, “A Chicago man says he was shocked to find out a North Dakota child support agency had notified his boss that it was looking for information about him in what turned out to be a case of mistaken identity.

“Edward Jackson…learned from his employer earlier this week that he had been named by a woman in North Dakota as the father of her daughter…His employer…got a three-page questionnaire from the Lake Region Child Support Enforcement Unit…

“Jackson said having his boss hear from North Dakota officials was embarrassing. He also had to tell his wife of five years.

Boston College researchers find that children whose nonresident fathers are involved in their lives are less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, commit violence or property crime, or to have problems in school. According to Boston College:

“Fathers who do not live with their children can still have a positive effect on them if they stay involved in their lives, according to researchers at Boston College.

“A study in the January/February issue of the journal Child Development found that when nonresident fathers are involved with their adolescent children, the youths are less likely to take part in delinquent behavior such as drug and alcohol use, violence, property crime and school problems like truancy and cheating.

“‘Nonresident fathers in low-income, minority families appear to be an important protective factor for adolescents,’ said Rebekah Levine Coley, professor of applied development and educational psychology at Boston College and the study’s lead author.

“Greater involvement from fathers may help adolescents develop self-control and self-competence, and may decrease the opportunities adolescents have to engage in problem behaviors.”

I’ve criticized Christian conservatives on numerous occasions for their often meager efforts to defend marriage and fatherhood from the ravages of our current family law system. I’ve also criticized them for focusing on sideshow family issues like gay marriage, as well as their sometimes mean-spirited attitude towards gays. For some examples, click here.

I’m pleased to say that there are indications that some leading religious figures are starting to address real family issues, such as divorce, custody, and the way millions of fathers have been driven out of the lives of the children who love and need them. One of them is Michael McManus, the founder of Marriage Savers. His group works with troubled couples, and his program is said to have helped save 100,000 marriages over the past couple decades.

I’ve previously praised McManus for his efforts to help struggling couples and prevent divorce–for one example, click here.

Over the past 12 or 18 months, McManus has been increasingly vocal about the need to meaningfully address the family law system and divorce, and he has endorsed Shared Parenting. In McManus’ new Marriage Savers Report Card 2007, he writes:

“If parents agree to a divorce, they should have equal access to children – Joint Custody or Shared Parenting. Today’s norm of Sole Custody removes one parent from the lives of their children, I argued. However, of the six states that passed the strongest Joint Custody laws, five experienced the largest drops in the divorce rate: Montana, Kansas, Connecticut, Idaho and Alaska. Why? ‘If a parent knows they will have to interact with the child’s other parent while the child is growing up, there is less incentive to divorce,’ says David Levy of the Children’s Rights Council.'”

McManus also notes:

“America’s divorce rate is the world’s highest because the law permits one partner to unilaterally end a marriage even with no allegation of adultery or abuse. What was begun by two people willingly is terminated by one person against the will of the spouse in 80% of cases. This is called ‘No Fault Divorce,’ because no fault need be alleged to get the divorce. Result: innocent children are scarred for life; they are three times as likely as those from intact marriages to be expelled from school or to have a baby out-of-wedlock, five times as apt to live in poverty or to commit suicide, and 12 times as likely to be jailed. Also, the divorced live 4-10 years less.”

His solution is one which has both merits and problems–Mutual Consent Divorce. He writes:

“In my newspaper column I called for a change in the law in cases involving children to ‘Replace No Fault Divorce with Mutual Consent Divorce.’ Either spouse could file for divorce on grounds of adultery, abuse, etc. But if no such fault is alleged, both parties would have to agree. ‘Government has an interest in the future of children, and they’d be best served if parents worked out their differences,’ I asserted. Attorney John Crouch, President of Americans for Divorce Reform, estimates that change would cut divorce rates by 30%.”

McManus also notes that the National Association of Evangelicals passed a resolution this year identifying “‘easy divorce’ as a social evil to be challenged, and committed NAE to improve ‘marriage and divorce law.'”

Below are some recent articles and items of interest from Fathers & Families’ latest News Digest.

Keen interest in gentler ways to divorce (Associated Press, 12-19-07)

Briggs says he’ll do right by daughter (Chicago Tribune, 12-20-07)

Hasselhoff agrees on divorce terms (Associated Press, 12-21-07)

New power to seize passports (UK Online, 12-23-07)

Divorce class helps parents (The Gainesville Sun, 12-23-07)

Military divorce on rise (Salt Lake Tribune, 12-23-07)

Illinois enacts deadbeat-parent strategy (Associated Press, 12-24-07)

Job loss, divorce forces mom to look for fresh start (The Detroit News, 12-24-07)

Agencies partner to help Illinois collect $420,000 in past-due child support (Chicago Tribune, 12-24-07)

Background: Tim Russert’s Wisdom of Our Fathers has hundreds of stories men and women tell about their fathers. It’s a remarkable book–to learn more, see my co-authored column America’s Father Hunger (World Net Daily, 10/13/06).

This story is from Frank A. Zedik of Vestal, NY about his father Frank J. Zedik, a state trooper. It’s called “The Bicycle”:

“My first bicycle was a Christmas present when I was seven. This was in 1943, right in the middle of the war years, and there wasn’t a new bike to be found anywhere. All available metal, including scrap iron, was being used to support the war effort.

“At the time, I just had to have a bike. I can remember pleading with my dad for one (Santa having been exposed as a fraud during the previous year)–any kind, as long as it had two wheels. He was very patient with me and explained that it just wouldn’t be possible that year. Deep down I understood, but a little begging never hurt, so I persisted.

“Christmas Eve finally arrived and I looked everywhere; there wasn’t a bike in the house. But as I came downstairs the next morning, my eyes almost popped out of my head. There, right next to the Christmas tree, stood the biggest, most beautiful red and silver bicycle I had ever seen. I don’t think my feet even touched the bottom stairs as I dashed to inspect that miraculous sight.

“The bicycle had big widespread handlebars, a bright red frame, silver fenders, and a large leather saddle supported by two coiled springs. But the most impressive feature was that it had just two wheels. What a wonderful sight to behold!

“There was a light dusting of snow Christmas morning, and I had to wait another whole day before I could take that bike for a spin. Soon I was happily riding all around the neighborhood, oblivious to everything but the wind in my face.

“Several days later, I began to notice a couple of imperfections on my marvelous machine–an almost invisible dent on the fender, a little smudge on the paint–just enough to make me realize that the bike wasn’t new. I waited a few days, trying to get the courage to ask my dad where and how he got it. When I finally asked, he told me how he and a friend had scoured swap shops, junkyards, and other friends’ basements looking for bicycle parts. After a month of searching, they had three unworkable bikes from which they assembled my red and silver beauty. Dad was somewhat apologetic as he told the story, but there was no need to apologize for giving me the best Christmas present I ever had.”

I never particularly cared for Van Halen, but you’ve got to like this story. During a recent Van Halen reunion concert, Eddie Van Halen’s 16-year-old son, Wolfgang, played the bass and sung back-up vocals. According to the San Jose Mercury News article below, “For this, he received several kisses on the cheek from his dad.”

Even better, actress Valerie Bertinelli, Eddie’s ex-wife and Wolfgang’s mom, was in attendance. The story is below.

Van Halen family reunion
By Shay Quillen
Mercury News, 12/18/2007

This time, they left the Jack Daniel’s whiskey and the Cabo Wabo tequila on the shelf.

Van Halen’s show Sunday night at HP Pavilion – its first in the Bay Area with singer David Lee Roth in more than 20 years – revealed a fun but thoroughly professional hard-rock band whose ethos has evolved from “lock up your daughters” to “bring along your sons.”

Over two hours and 10 minutes with nary a power ballad in sight, a newly sober Eddie Van Halen expertly spun out his epochal guitar riffs while brother Alex pounded out rhythms and Eddie’s 16-year-old son, Wolfgang, the band’s newest member, competently reproduced the bass and vocal parts of exiled founder Michael Anthony. For this, he received several kisses on the cheek from his dad. (In keeping with the familial theme, Wolfgang’s mom, actress Valerie Bertinelli, was spotted in the crowd.)

Meanwhile, Roth was positively aglow at his chance to be part of this family reunion, and to be back in front of an enthusiastic crowd made up mostly of folks old enough to have seen the band in its 1978-85 heyday, many with sons in tow.

Now free of the long blond mane that let him assume the role of ’70s sex god, the clean-cut 53-year-old front man was revealed as a showbiz pro, a born performer who would have been slinging one-liners and doing song-and-dance in the Catskills if he’d been born 25 years earlier.

To read the full article, click here. Thanks to Paul, a reader, for sending it to me.

Background: Dwayne Allen Dail, who was pardoned after spending 18 years behind bars for a rape he didn’t commit, was recently sued for back child support. Dail, 39, was cleared in August of the 1987 rape of a 12-year-old Goldsboro girl. The girl identified him as her attacker and hair found at the scene was similar to his. But DNA evidence found on a fragment of the girl’s nightgown years after the trial proved Dail wasn’t involved in the attack.

Dail will receive a chump change $360,000 from the state – $20,000 for each year he spent in prison. Upon his release he was served with a lawsuit by ex-girlfriend Lorraine Michaels, the mother of his son, who is seeking back child support. Dail said he was devastated by the suit, and that his son had recently moved to Florida to live with him. To learn more about this case, see my blog post This Takes Being a Greedy Ex to a Whole New Level.

Thankfully the child support lawsuit against Dail has now been dropped:

Child Support Lawsuit Dropped Against Dwayne Dail
WRAL.com
12/21/07

Goldsboro — A child support lawsuit for back child support against a Wayne County man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he did not commit has been dropped.

Dwayne Dail said the suit, filed in November by his former girlfriend Lorraine Michaels for back child support while he was in prison, was dismissed Friday.

But he said he could not comment on the deal but was happy the matter was resolved.

“I am very happy and relieved to have this black cloud removed from me and my son’s bonding process,” Dail said. “And I hope that there can begin some healing between me and Lori, too. This has been extremely difficult for everyone involved.”

Michaels sued for a “reasonable sum” of a $360,000 compensatory payment Dail is due from the state for his wrongful imprisonment.

Earlier this month, a judge ruled Michaels should receive only a portion, if any, of the payment

Dail spent 18 years in prison for the rape of a 12-year-old girl. He was exonerated by DNA evidence in August.

He is expected to receive that by the end of January and said he plans to use it to buy a house for him and his son and enroll them both in college. Dail said he wants to pursue a career in criminal justice to help other innocent people in prison.

“I want to have that feeling of having helped someone who is desperately in need of help,” he said.

“When one man says ‘No’, all Rome begins to tremble.”–Spartacus, gladiator and leader of the largest slave rebellion in ancient history

For many of my readers, the Christmas holiday is not a joyous one, but instead a time of incomparable sadness. Many, many fathers have been driven out of their children’s lives, or to the edge of them. For them, the holidays are more a time to grieve than a time to celebrate.

These men are the victims of one of the worst tyrannies in our society’s history, and one largely unheard of before the modern era–the tyranny of being denied the right to play a meaningful role in the lives of one’s own children.

It is also during this time of year that I think of the heroism of so many modern fathers. In the era of the so-called “deadbeat dad,” hundreds of thousands of men have fought long, hard, costly battles to remain fathers to their children. This struggle, this heroism, goes almost completely unrecognized in our popular culture.

There is one man who above all others for me symbolizes this heroism–David Chick.

The mayor of London compared Chick to Osama bin Laden. He was dubbed a “menace” holding a city for “ransom,” as well as a lunatic and an extremist.

What did this middle-aged window washer do to arouse such anger? He loves his little daughter, from whom he was forcibly and unjustly separated, and he had the courage to do something about it.

Chick launched a world famous, traffic snarling, six day, one-man protest atop a 150 foot high crane near the Tower Bridge in London in November 2003. Dressed as Spiderman because that is his little daughter’s favorite comic book character, Chick had been to court 25 times and spent the equivalent of $30,000 in unsuccessful attempts to get English courts to enforce his visitation rights.

Chick explained:

“[My daughter] is the most precious thing in my world. I was there for the scans when she was still in the womb. I was there for her birth. I fed her, bathed her, got up in the night with her, cuddled her when she cried.

“Now I’m just another statistic–another dad who has no part in his daughter’s life. For me, it is a living bereavement.”

Facing a prison sentence for his protest, Chick was acquitted by an English jury, some of whom were reportedly moved to tears by his testimony. In 2003, Chick came in second in the Evening Standard London Personality of the Year contest and was the runner-up Political Personality of the Year on a major English television station.

In September 2004, Spiderman struck again, climbing the London Eye (pictured), an enormous 450-foot-high Ferris wheel on the banks of the River Thames. Chick spent 18 hours there–one hour for every month that had passed since he had been able to see his little daughter. Nearly 20,000 people were prevented from visiting the attraction because the police closed it down during the protest.

Popular still, a London jury again acquitted Chick of causing a public nuisance. Moreover, Chick was able to successfully fight his way back into his little daughter’s life.

To learn more about Chick, go to http://spidermandad.com/.

[Note: the quote from Spartacus above is from the movie of the same name.]