Author: Super User

Boston, MA–I have a hunch that huge numbers of fathers in America do not respect themselves as fathers. They may respect themselves as employees, as churchgoers, as guitarists, tennis players or friends, but not as fathers.

If men truly respected themselves as fathers, why would so many meekly accept second-class parenthood after separation or divorce? Why would so many watch television shows and ads that insult fathers? Why would so many vote for candidates who insult fathers? Why would so many in intact relationships routinely defer to mom”s judgment about what is best for the kids? Why would so many have children out of marriage, denying them any meaningful legal rights to their children?

I don”t know how many fathers this affects, except that the number is large. And I believe this lack of self-respect is at the heart of why the fathers” movement is still a marginal force in society.

It was not always so. When the feminists complain about a history of “patriarchy,’ they are talking about an era when fathers made most of the decisions about children. And if the parents parted, the children stayed with dad.

Somehow, we have swung from one extreme to another, from patriarchy to matriarchy. We need to find the middle. (I most definitely am not calling for a return to patriarchy. Fathers & Families” principles are clear: we believe in shared responsibility for children if both parents are fit.)

About two years ago, I gave a short speech at one of our General Membership Meetings, attended by the usual crowd of 90 or 100 people. The topic was “Shame.’ I thought it was a topic of mild interest to our members, but worth thinking about. To my astonishment, it generated perhaps the strongest reaction of any talk I have given. Some people were tearful, and many emailed me the next day to tell me how powerfully my words had affected them personally.

I think there is a lot of shame among fathers. And I think it gets in the way of reclaiming our fatherhood. Thus, it causes us to shortchange our children.

This brings me around to Martin Luther King. He was shot in Memphis in 1968. He was in Memphis to support a strike by garbage collectors, who sought better wages. To this day, I remember the photographs of the picket lines: old, forlorn, beaten-down black men carrying signs.

Here is what struck me and has stayed with me. The signs did not say “Higher Wages.’ They did not say “More Paid Holidays.’

They said, “I Am A Man.’ The men holding these signs wore their Sunday best.

It was a statement of pride among men who were accustomed to shame and defeat.

Our movement today will succeed when men all over the country throw off shame and say with pride, “I Am A Father.’

Fort Lauderdale, Florida–According to news reports:

This morning, the Patriots” star wide receiver Randy Moss has been the recipient of a restraining order filed by a Broward County, Florida woman who has claimed dating violence. He is required to stay 500 feet from her and cannot use or possess firearms. He allegedly caused the woman serious injury and then refused to allow her to seek medical attention.

At this point nothing more is known.

Is this based on a real incident, or is it a shake-down for money, or is it revenge, or publicity-seeking, or what? Moss has several strikes against him in the court of public opinion: he is male, he is black and he is an athlete. The public has been conditioned to profile people like Moss as perps.

Just like Ben Coates, a black Patriots star player, a tight end, I believe, whom I wrote about seven or eight years ago. Coates was brought up on criminal charges for alleged assault and battery of his girlfriend. He was acquitted by a jury when testimony revealed that he had ended his relationship with the woman several months earlier, that she came uninvited to HIS house at night, at which time he had another female guest, that he would not let her in, that she pounded on his car and dented it, and that he asked her calmly to stop, never touching her. Someone called the police, and they, of course, arrested HIM.

The icing on the cake: an auto salesman testified that the woman had been shopping for a luxury car a few days earlier and had assured him that she would soon have a big pile of money. In other words, she was shaking Coates down for money, and when he refused, she pulled her domestic violence stunt.

By all reports, Moss is a very hard-working player and is totally focused on winning a Super Bowl ring. With the arduous schedule of NFL players, it is hard to figure out when Moss would have had time recently for dating in Florida.

At the very least, this could be a distraction to Moss at a critical time. At worst, he has misbehaved in ways that are unacceptable.

What do you think the odds are?  50/50?    70/30 in favor of the allegation?  It is hard, even for those of us who know how many false restraining orders there are, to shake the effects of the overblown and downright lying claims in the media about domestic violence. On the one hand, wealthy young celebrity athletes are sitting ducks for accusations of this type. On the other hand, domestic violence is, of course, a real problem with real victims.

Tell me what you think the odds are.  Then we will watch.

“In my state I do not recall a circumstance…where a law of this kind interfered with the rights of a parent in a way that seemed like it was out of keeping, but if you”re familiar with such, let us know.’–presidential candidate Mitt Romney

We’ve often discussed the way restraining/protection orders based on false allegations of domestic violence are frequently used to separate fathers from their children. At a recent New Hampshire gathering, fatherhood activist Richard Smaglick asked presidential candidate Mitt Romney about the problem.

In response, Romney, who was governor of Massachusetts from 2003-2007, said that he could not recall a circumstance where such a thing had occurred, but said, “If you”re familiar with such, let us know.”

We appreciated Romney’s offer, and decided to take him up on it. We only had a couple of days to act, since it is widely believed that Romney will drop out of the presidential race if he is not successful in Michigan’s primary, which is Tuesday, January 15. Ned Holstein, Executive Director of Fathers & Families, put out an email asking for cases, and I posted my Call to Action! Romney Asks for Cases of Falsely Accused Fathers on Thursday. Your response was overwhelming, and on short notice we collected 300 cases to present to Romney.

Holstein, as he pledged to do, delivered the letters to Romney personally and publicly at the crowded “Romney for President/Change Begins With Us Victory Stop” at Lawrence Technological University in Southfield [Detroit] on Sunday. Holstein, Smaglick, and others also spent considerable time detailing the issue to a prominent journalist–we’ll let you know when the story comes out.

Thanks to Jim Semerad of Dads and Moms of Michigan, the very active American Coalition for Fathers & Children Michigan affiliate, Richard Smaglick of www.fathersandhusbands.org, Lary Holland of Family Court Reports, and others for their invaluable assistance.

When Smaglick first asked Romney about fathers being victimized by false domestic violence claims last week, Romney not only said that he was not aware of any fathers being unfairly separated from their children, but that he was “not familiar” with the Violence Against Women Act. He has since come under fire for this from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, the American Civil Liberties Union, Juliet Eilperin of the Washington Post, and numerous feminist bloggers.

To watch the video of Romney’s response, click here. To read a Washington Post reporter’s take on it, click here.

Rita Smith, Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, also criticized the fatherhood movement, saying:

“The continual use of some men’s groups to spout bogus facts and statistics is a problem we need to correct…[the idea] that men are falsely accused of domestic violence and lose contact with their children unjustly as a result…is not accurate…just the opposite is true.”

VAWA funds many of the services which help women obtain restraining orders against their husbands, but there is little judicial oversight of these orders, and they are frequently misused. Women need and deserve protection from abusive husbands, but restraining orders are often used as custody maneuvers in divorce–as swords, not as shields. The California State Bar”s Family Law News recently explained:

“Protective orders are increasingly being used in family law cases to help one side jockey for an advantage in child custody…[the orders are] almost routinely issued by the court in family law proceedings even when there is relatively meager evidence and usually without notice to the restrained person.’

In other presidential campaign-related activism, according to the Michigan shared parenting group A Child’s Right:

“A Child’s Right made sure to inject the fatherhood issue during a Mitt Romney Rally in Battle Creek, Michigan [on Saturday]. Darrick Scott-Farnsworth, Angela Pedersen and Robert Pedersen were able to get the Governor’s ear on fatherhood issues. Robert Pedersen spoke with Mitt about VAWA and Fatherhood Issues. Robert’s sweatshirt ‘Kids Still Need Both Parents’ caught Mitt Romney’s eye and he spoke about the issue on two different occasions…After the rally, A Child’s Right spoke with several other elected officials that were present.”

Below are some recent articles and items of interest from Fathers & Families’ latest News Digest.

Triplets’ surrogate mom can keep child support (Pittsburgh Post Gazette, 1-7-08)

Sheriff’s Dept. sweep targets child support scofflaws (The Tribune Democrat, 1-8-08)

Child support warrants to be served (Cherokee County Herald, 1-10-08)

Making change (Dickinson Press, 1-10-08)

Minister apologizes over child support bungle (The Star, 1-12-08)

Penalties differ on deadbeat parents (Associated Press, 1-13-08)

After holiday season comes annual divorce rush (National Post, 1-13-08)

After divorce, take steps to smooth parenting issues (Indianapolis Star, 1-14-08)

Unqualified mediators prey on broken families (Toronto Star, 1-14-08)

Manhunt out for 3 year old girl and mother (Business Gazette, 1-14-08)

In a potentially important development, Michigan shared parenting activists Mike Saxton and Dan Diebolt say that Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee endorses shared parenting. According to Saxton:

“At a press conference [Monday] at Demmer Corp. in Lansing, Michigan, I had the opportunity to discuss shared parenting with Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. I asked…’if you were elected President what would you do you to ensure that children have equal access to both fit parents, regardless of marital status?’ He replied that he supports shared parenting…

“We discussed Michigan’s shared parenting bill HB 4564 and I asked if he would endorse it. He replied that he hadn’t read it but that he does support shared parenting. Rep. Rick Jones was also present at the press conference and in response to my request has forwarded a copy of HB 4564 to Governor Huckabee’s office.”

Huckabee (left) and Diebolt (right) are pictured above.

The drawing above was taken from Kara Bishop’s www.postcardsfromsplitsville.com. Bishop works with Children of Divorce, a class run by Tucson, Arizona-based Divorce Recovery. The class did an art project that included “sending away” the frustrations of divorce. The website is a place where Kara says “children can share their divorce-related feelings anonymously and parents can get a new perspective on how this life-changing experience impacts their children”s lives.”

To learn more, click here. Kara can be reached at Kara@PostcardsfromSplitsville.com.

“Marion Jones was sentenced Friday to six months in prison for lying about using steroids and a check-fraud scam, despite her plea that she not be separated from her two young children ‘even for a short period of time.’

“‘I ask you to be as merciful as a human being can be,’ said Jones, who cried on her husband’s shoulder after she was sentenced…

“As she beseeched the judge for a lighter sentence, the disgraced former Olympic champion talked at length about her children, including the infant son she’s still nursing.”–SI.com, 1/11/08

Throughout the family law system and to a lesser degree the criminal law system, mothers are able to avoid taking full responsibility for their actions, misdeeds, or crimes by hiding behind their children. Disgraced former Olympian Marion Jones tries the same shtick here, though (surprisingly) it didn’t work too well. If she were white and as pretty as Debra Lafave she probably could have avoided jail altogether.

The full story is below. Thanks to Ronald, a reader, for sending it to me.

Jones hit with six-month sentence
SI.com
January 11, 2008

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. (AP) — Marion Jones was sentenced Friday to six months in prison for lying about using steroids and a check-fraud scam, despite her plea that she not be separated from her two young children “even for a short period of time.”

“I ask you to be as merciful as a human being can be,” said Jones, who cried on her husband’s shoulder after she was sentenced.

U.S. District Judge Kenneth Karas gave her the maximum under her plea deal “because of the need for general deterrence and the need to promote respect for the law.”
As she beseeched the judge for a lighter sentence, the disgraced former Olympic champion talked at length about her children, including the infant son she’s still nursing.

“My passion in life has always been my family,” Jones said. “I know the day is quickly approaching when my boys ask me about these current events. I intend to be honest and forthright … and guide them into not making the same mistakes.”

The sentence completes a stunning fall for the woman who was once the most celebrated female athlete in the world. She won three gold and two bronze medals at the 2000 Sydney Olympics.

After long denying she ever had used performance-enhancing drugs, Jones admitted last October she lied to federal investigators in November 2003, acknowledging she took the designer steroid “the clear” from September 2000 to July 2001. “The clear” has been linked to BALCO, the lab at the center of the steroids scandal in professional sports.

She also admitted lying about her knowledge of the involvement of Tim Montgomery, the father of her older son Monty, in a scheme to cash millions of dollars worth of stolen or forged checks. Montgomery and several others have been convicted in that scam. They include Jones’ former coach Olympic champion Steve Riddick, who was to be sentenced later Friday.

“The crops are all in and the peaches are rotting,
The oranges piled in their creosote dumps;
They’re flying ’em back to the Mexican border
To pay all their money to wade back again…

“Some of us are illegal, and some are not wanted,
Our work contract’s out and we have to move on;
Six hundred miles to that Mexican border,
They chase us like outlaws, like rustlers, like thieves.”–from Woody Guthrie’s “Deportee”

In this Lalo Alcaraz cartoon, presidential hopefuls are taking turns beating up on an immigrant man. Immigration reform is certainly a legitimate issue, but I can do without the relentless immigrant-bashing. Divorced fathers should remember–the same pandering politician who draws applause for beating up on “illegal immigrants” today probably beat up on “deadbeat dads” yesterday, and will do so tomorrow, too.

I was pleased that during the final New Hampshire debate John Edwards praised the sacrifices his father made to provide for him and his siblings. Edwards explained that his father, Wallace Edwards, had worked hard in a mill for 37 years, and the camera panned to Wallace as he sat in the audience.

Edwards has mentioned this on several occasions, and some say he’s using his dad as a prop. Regardless, it’s nice to see his dad and others in that generation of men given their due.

One of the greatest distortions of modern feminism is the way the sacrifices that tens of millions of men like Wallace Edwards made have been disregarded. I detailed this in my column Hate My Father? No Ma’am! (World Net Daily, 4/8/02), criticizing the “successful feminist re-writing of the pre-feminist past as a virtual dark ages where men lived like nobles and women were their serfs.” I wrote:

“Tens of millions of male blue collar workers–who put their bodies on the line in the coal mines and steel mills so their wives and children could live in safety and comfort–have been turned into oppressors. Their wives and children, for whom these men sacrificed so much, have been turned into their victims.

“Edited out of our history are the tragedies of millions of American men who were killed or maimed on what German socialist Rosa Luxemburg called the ‘battlefield of labor.’ The miners who died in cave-ins, explosions, or of black lung disease. The sailors and fisherman who died at sea. The oil refinery workers killed in explosions. The factory workers killed in industrial accidents. The construction workers who died carving train tracks and then highways through majestic mountain cliffs or the scorching desert. The construction workers who died building our bridges, dams, high rises, stadiums, and apartments.

“All of them have been forgotten, in part because there is no natural constituency which would like to remember them–the right generally does not dwell on yesterday’s struggling blue collar workers and heroic union men, and the left is beholden to the feminists, for whom any mention of men as special contributors or as victims is strictly forbidden.”

I would also add that it is equally obscene the way feminist family law movement portrays men who work long hours at stressful or dangerous jobs to support their families as men who are not “taking responsibility” for their kids by not being their kids’ primary caregivers.