‘I don’t like the thought of our daughters spending time with the woman who split the family up’

Los Angeles, CA–The website has some interesting rants from people about their exes, but the one below is more of a question than a rant, and I have to say I have mixed emotions about it. In Ex-husband wants to see kids with his other woman, one woman says:

I live in England. I have separated from my husband of 20 years and am divorcing him for adultery.
He has visited our two daughters for half an hour each week (he works in the town we live, but lives with his new woman 70 miles away). He now states he wants to have our daughters staying over at his house (which is his new woman’s home). I don’t deny him access whatsoever, he could take them out alone, but I don’t like the thought of our daughters with the woman who split the family up. Our youngest daughter is 7 and she doesn’t know that her dad has left for another woman as I’ve tried to shield her from the nasty bits. Our 14 year old does know and doesn’t agree with what her dad has done. Has anyone been through this (not sure if the laws are different between USA and Britain?) I haven’t denied HIM access, but can I deny HER access? Our daughters don’t want to stay over, but would if their dad lived alone – or saw them on his own. They have not expressed this to their dad yet, as it’s the early stages, he is now seeking solicitors/courts as he states that he wants his new woman to see the girls too……I am also seeing my solicitor this week, but in the meantime wondered if anyone else had been through this and how it all worked out? Thanks for any advice.

The first commenter on responded:

First of all, he is their father and he needs to see the kids. Period. Too bad about your bitterness and self-centered nature. You have poisoned your daughters against their dad because you are not happy that he found someone else and no longer cares about you. That has ZERO to do with the kids.

Well, maybe, maybe not. It is certainly quite common for divorced mothers to poison their children against their fathers and their fathers’ new wives.  This is often attributed to the woman’s bitterness for being “left for a younger woman,” but this is a poor explanation, considering that women are more likely to initiate marital breakups than men are. It is very common for women to dump their husbands and then be very angry when their husbands find someone else. The husbands are, of course, bewildered by this.  “Excuse me,” they think, “but you are the one who didn’t want me.  What right do you have to be mad at me for moving on?” On the other hand, the woman in the letter may well have a point.  Most of us in the fatherhood movement believe in marriage and believe that marriage should not be broken up on a whim. Assuming the marriage is not abusive, husbands and wives should go to great lengths to try to work out their differences.  If one parent destroys the marriage by leaving for another, I can understand the abandoned parent not wanting the children to be around the person who helped destroy the marriage. It’s perhaps a contradiction for us to say, “People should not get divorced unless they have to and should not do so lightly, but if dad has left the marriage for another woman, mom shouldn’t have any reservations about the children going with them.” I think the kids should be spending half their time with dad (and yes, with his new significant other). But I do understand the ex-wife’s point.

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