Author: Super User

Background: TV often portrays men and fathers as idiots–to watch some videos of “dad as idiot” TV commercials, click here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

We’ve done two campaigns against these types of commercials, and have been more or less successful. To learn more, see Campaign Against Anti-Father Verizon Commercial and Campaign Against Anti-Male Advertising on our campaign page here.

If you have a daughter in the nine-year-old range, you’re probably familiar with the Disney show Hannah Montana. My daughter often forces me to watch it with her. Well, “forces” isn’t exactly accurate, since she snuggles up in my arms as we watch, which would probably make even going to the opera worth it.

Anyway, there’s a surprising thing about this show. In an era when we have a long parade of “doofus dads,” in Hannah Montana the family is being raised by a single father, and the father is actually a smart, loving, very-competent dad who is respected by his children. It’s refreshing to watch a show where a father’s intervention in a crisis or incident isn’t just a set-up for a joke about what an idiot he is.

In the show, the father, played by country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, is a widower who is the sole caretaker of his children and who gave up his successful career as a country singer to raise his kids. Hannah is played by Billy’s real-life daughter and the show often has nice flashbacks of pictures of the two of them together as the little girl grew up.

Background: In my co-authored column, Servicemen victimized by child support system (World Net Daily, 6/27/07), I discuss the ways the child support enforcement system victimizes innocent citizens, particularly military personnel. I wrote:

“In 1998, Congress held extensive hearings on the myriad abuses committed by the Internal Revenue Service against law-abiding citizens. What few realize is that there are a similar number of men, fathers and families who have been victims of the same types of abuses by child support enforcement agencies. Because federal funding helps shape the way child support enforcement bureaucracies operate, similar hearings are needed to investigate and remedy these abuses.”

James Beaty’s article As he prepares to go to war, soldier faces DHS red tape (McAlester News-Capital, 10/13/07) is yet another example of the way the child support system harasses and abuses our military personnel. In this case, a father is scheduled to deploy to Iraq, so he went to child support enforcement to get a modification on his child support, since his income was going to decline. I’ve mentioned on numerous occasions that downward modifications are often difficult to get, and here’s another example. Instead of the downward modification, the father (pictured above, with his wife), got an unexplained increase in his child support, and child support enforcement seized all of his and his wife’s bank accounts. Nice.

This kind of outrage isn’t unusual–I hear stories like this all day long. It’s to Beaty’s credit that he pursued this story. I suggest that readers send him a quick note to thank him–click here. The story is below.

Thanks to child support expert Jane Spies of the National Family Justice Association for sending me the article. Jane discusses problems with the child support system in her recent article The Myth of the Successful Child Support System.

As he prepares to go to war, soldier faces DHS red tape
By James Beaty, Senior Editor
The McAlester News-Capital, 10/13/07

Retha Gail Whitlock kept a brave face as long as she could.

It started with her chin, which slightly trembled, almost imperceptibly at first. A single tear streamed down her cheek, followed by one more and then another.

Finally, she lowered her head, unable to hold back a flood of tears which had been welling up inside her for the past few days.

“I”m sorry,’ she said. “I told myself I was going to be strong.’

Retha Gail looked at her husband, National Guardsmen Brian Whitlock, who is set to report for active duty on Oct. 21 before going on to Fort Bliss, Texas, and then deployment to the war in Iraq.

She said she”s concerned about him, as well as her stepson Daniel Whitlock and their cousin, Jeremy Snow — a trio of family members who joined the National Guard together as a family unit last year.

But her worries about the war weren”t the only reason for her tears. She feels that while her family members will be fighting overseas for their country, the state of Oklahoma — or at least some of its agents or employees — has dealt her a crushing blow, a blow that”s almost too much to bear.

“I”m terrified for him over there,’ she said. “I told him not to worry about us. We”ll be all right.’

David E. Cook’s article Deadbroke dads: The system makes Darryl Gay pay child support. But it”s more than he can afford and his daughter doesn”t get the money. Is this how it”s supposed to work? (Sacramento News & Review, 10/11/07) is an excellent description of the way the current child support system wages a ruthless war against low-income and minority fathers.

Cook focuses on the story of Darryl Gay–a loving African-American father of modest means–and his struggle to survive in the child support system and be there for his six-year-old daughter. Cook writes:

“Six-year-old Tynea fidgeted at the dinner table, bored, counting a stack of crackers on her plate. A Warner Bros. cartoon murmured faintly from the living room of the Mack Road apartment where she was visiting her father, Darryl Gay, for the weekend.

“Tynea”s parents never married and broke up soon after she was born. Gay, 41, continued to visit his daughter almost daily, and, though there was no child-support order, contributed to her upbringing by buying diapers, clothes, formula and other necessities.

“‘I was buying my daughter whatever she needed because I was there every day,’ Gay says. ‘I knew what her needs were. I was buying what she needed.’

“But then, Gay says, Tynea”s mother moved out of town without telling him, taking his daughter and her six other children from different relationships with her. Two years and two private investigators later, Gay finally found Tynea living in Oakland with her mother. He was eager to renew his relationship with his daughter and begin contributing what he could to her upbringing.

“That”s when the welfare bureaucracy put its boot up Gay”s backside.

“After Tynea”s mother moved to Oakland, she applied for Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, otherwise known as welfare. Because of new regulations enacted in the 1990s, she was required to name Tynea”s father to Alameda County welfare authorities. A court order was issued requiring Gay to begin providing child support and to reimburse any money paid to Tynea by the state.

“Because Gay”s whereabouts were unknown at the time, he was unaware of the order. But when he tracked down his daughter on his own accord, Alameda County slapped him with a $227-per-month child-support payment. As an in-home health aide, Gay makes $830 per month. That leaves him with just $603 to make ends meet after paying child support. None of the money he paid on his own in the past counts. But here”s the real rub: Most of the child support goes not to Tynea or her mother, but to Alameda County. Only $50 goes to Tynea.

“Welcome to welfare reform, American style.

“Thanks to a convoluted bureaucracy, flawed research and our country”s never-ending war on the poor, Gay must now choose between providing care for his daughter or obeying the law and reimbursing the state for welfare paid to Tynea”s mother over the years. He is not alone. Our national obsession with pursuing deadbeat dads is leaving many well-intentioned fathers destitute, and even homeless.

“Call them deadbroke dads…

“Unfortunately, the child-support system does not recognize the informal, undocumented assistance fathers like Gay provide their children. The only factor the system considers in measuring responsible fatherhood is the payment of formal child support. …

“Child-support orders are usually retroactive to the day the child was born, and fathers are ordered to reimburse the state for any public assistance paid to the child. A father can owe back child support, or in the jargon of the system, ‘arrearages,’ even before the court issues a formal child-support order. Private arrangements between parents are now ignored, even with notarized documents.

“Glenn Sacks, host of His Side with Glenn Sacks, says even direct financial contributions go unacknowledged.

“‘I get e-mails and letters by the hundreds from fathers who show canceled checks for child support paid directly to the mother,’ Sacks recounts, ‘and the state says, “That”s a gift, and it doesn”t count.” It”s like sending him a Visa card with a $20,000 balance already on it.”

Read Cook’s full article here. To learn more about the problems with the child support system, click here.

Copenhagen, Denmark–Denmark has passed a shared parenting law that appears to be the real deal. According to news reports, co-parenting is now the default outcome, and joint custody can be repealed only if there are serious concerns for a child”s safety. Not only that, but parents whose divorces were completed in the past can go back to court and seek shared parenting.

The new law went into effect October 1.

I am often skeptical of claims that true shared parenting legislation has been passed. Usually there is a hidden detail that guts the whole idea. For instance, there will be shared parenting only if the two parties agree. Or, the new law provides only for shared legal custody, not shared physical custody – in other words, same old, same old. Or the new law simply allows shared physical custody, but does not establish it as the preferred option – the result of which is the judges keep doing what they have always been doing.

But as far as I can tell from the news reports, this law is the real deal. Hopefully we will get follow-up information from Denmark putting to rest all the nonsensical objections raised by our opponents in the U.S.

In my post Two Heroic Wives Remained Loyal to Their Husbands as They Served Three Decades in Prison for a Crime They Didn’t Commit, I commended the heroism of two women who remained loyal to their husbands for three decades as the men were incarcerated for crimes the FBI knew they didn’t commit. Both women raised their children, and kept up theirs and their children’s relationships with their husbands as best they could.

Here’s another wonderful example of a loyal wife–Peggy Polinsky:

Wife’s kidney donation saves husband’s life
By Emanuel Parker
Pasadena Star-News, (10/7/07)

PASADENA – For two years, Joel Polinsky’s stomach was so big, children would ask if he was pregnant.

“Yes,” he’d tell them. “I’m going to have triplets.”

But far from being funny, the Pasadena resident’s condition was deadly. What saved his life was a kidney donation in June from his wife, Peggy, 63.

“You only need one kidney, but you have two,” she said. “If you know someone who has none, give them one.”

Being committed to a movement which has not yet come into its prime–the fatherhood movement–I’m sometimes interested in the stories of the unlikely successes of other social movements.

One of the biggest underdog movements in history to succeed, though we don’t talk about it much, is the industrial labor movement.

Most of the big industrial unions were built during the 1930s, under conditions which, in retrospect, seem mind-boggling. It was done amid massive unemployment and widespread poverty. Unionists had to face off against unscrupulous, lawless bosses and their violent hired thugs, as well as hostile and sometimes violent police. Workers utilized strikes, sit-downs and other methods to build strong, vibrant labor unions. I think one could fairly say that, given what these men achieved, it is impossible to ever claim that any reasonable movement cannot succeed.

One of the key battles in the rise of the labor movement is the famous Teamsters strike in Minneapolis in 1934 (pictured). There striking workers and their supporters squared off against police and company-hired thugs in what’s known as the “Battle of Deputies Run.” At the time, truck drivers worked a six day, 60 hour week for less than $75 a month. They had little or no pensions, benefits or workplace safety protections. According to the New Deal Network:

“In Minneapolis and St. Paul the traditional open shop [anti-union] labor principle was militantly maintained until 1934. Then, in May of that year, Local 574 of the Teamsters’ Union ordered a strike and promptly paralyzed the trucking industry in Minneapolis.

“The highlight of the strike was the battle in the market district, where between 20,000 and 30,000 people watched or participated in what became known as the ‘Battle of Deputies Run.’

“Pickets, police, and deputized businessmen joined the conflict in which two of the citizens’ army were killed and scores of strikers wounded. Complaining that no settlement of the larger issues had been attained, truckers struck again in the following July. This time the killing of two pickets and the wounding of 48 brought martial law. Well organized and supported by several farmers’ organizations, the union finally achieved a substantial advantage.”

The victory secured Minneapolis as a union town and brought great benefits to working class families. And no, the subsequent degeneration and corruption of the Teamsters does not diminish what the 1934 strikers accomplished.

“In the American family, the mother comes first, then the kids, then the dog, then the cat, and then the father.”–Tomas, my Cuban immigrant father-in-law

I guess we can now add the family hamster and goldfish in there before the father, too. Recently California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and the California legislature took strong measures to protect goldfish, hamsters, bunny rabbits, cats, and dogs who are caught in abusive relationships by signing SB 353. Schwarzenegger joins Connecticut Governor M. Jodi Rell and others who have focused on this scourge, and realized the threat domestic violence poses to hamsters like little Cinnamon (pictured).

Earlier this year Rell signed a bill to protect pet victims of domestic violence. She explained:

“Pets are too often the silent victims of domestic violence. They cannot fight back, and they are presently afforded no protection under our current legal system.’

No, the above is not an Onion parody, it’s real. To Rell’s credit, however, she has declined to sign on to the ridiculous feminist charade that only men commit domestic violence. Earlier this year she commented, “Domestic violence cuts across all races, all income brackets, all levels of education – and both sexes.’ To learn more, see my blog post Good News–Pro Feminist Governor Acknowledges Women Also Commit Domestic Violence.

Earlier this year I co-authored a column on SB 353–CA Legislators Vote to Protect Pets from Domestic Violence but Deny Services to Male DV Victims (Long Beach Press-Telegram, 4/21/07). It is below.

CA Legislators Vote to Protect Pets from Domestic Violence but Deny Services to Male DV Victims
By Mike McCormick and Glenn Sacks
Long Beach Press-Telegram, 4/21/07

It would be difficult to make California”s controversial domestic violence policies more irrational and unfair to men, but Senator Sheila Kuehl (D–Santa Monica) is trying. California law has long excluded men and their children from receiving state-funded DV services, even though research demonstrates that a third of domestic violence-related injuries are incurred by heterosexual males.

The legislature reiterated this exclusion last fall by passing AB 2051, which references services for “battered women” 31 times yet never once mentions “male victims,” “men,” or even simply “victims.’ While California funds over 100 domestic violence shelters for women, there are only two facilities in the state which even accept male victims, and both of them are in remote areas.

Recently Kuehl and the California Senate Judiciary Committee took the state”s DV policies to a new level of absurdity by passing a law to address the issue of domestic violence and…pets!

Bruce Springsteen says he wrote the song “Factory” for his father, a New Jersey factory worker. Many of Springsteen’s songs chronicle the ways his father and other working class men struggle to support their families.

Springsteen originally performed the song as a piano ballad on his 1978 album Darkness at the Edge of Town, but performs it here almost as a Country Western song. He’s accompanied by the Seeger Sessions Band.

Springsteen sings:

“Early in the morning factory whistle blows,
Man rises from bed and puts on his clothes,
Man takes his lunch, walks out in the morning light,
It’s the working, the working, just the working life.

“Through the mansions of fear, through the mansions of pain,
I see my daddy walking through them factory gates in the rain,
Factory takes his hearing, factory gives him life,
The working, the working, just the working life.”

To watch the video, click here or see below.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqe2DR_v8HQ]

Boston, MA and Los Angeles CA–Glenn Sacks and Fathers & Families today launched a nationwide protest. The issue is similar to the Elian Gonzalez case of about five years ago. In the present case, a Cuban mother brought her young daughter to the US, but underwent psychological deterioration, eventually attempting suicide. The Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF) found that the mother had abused and neglected the five-year-old girl, and properly placed her in temporary foster care. But although the DCF had the name and phone number of the father in Cuba, it made no attempt to contact him. Moreover, once Rafael Izquierdo learned of the situation and came to the US to take over the care of his five year old girl, the DCF ginned up a series of unsupported accusations against him and hired 21 lawyers to oppose his bid to resume custody of his own daughter. On September 27, 2007, after a full two week hearing, the Florida court found that the DCF”s accusations against Izquierdo were unfounded and that he is a committed father. Yet the DCF”s lawyers continue to oppose his reunification with his daughter, and apparently intend to appeal, thus delaying normalcy for this girl for another year or two. Our demand is for the DCF to drop its case against the father, to get out of this girl”s life, to let her grow up in the loving care of her father, and to respect the right of fit parents to raise their own children free of government interference. There are numerous cases all around the country in which state agencies ignore, obstruct or oppose non-custodial fathers when they attempt to take over the care of their children after the mother has abused or neglected them. So I am asking you to take two actions to address this dismal pattern: 1) Please forward this post to three people you know. Tell them you care about what happens to kids in foster care, and ask them to take action by following the links below. 2) Send a protest email to Governor Crist of Florida and several Florida state officials. There are two ways to do this, and each requires only one more click.      A) If you want to read the details of this case, including the court”s September 27 decision, previous newspaper reports of the case, and more, CLICK HERE.   This will take you to a page containing all you might wish to know about the case, plus a link to a pre-fab email to the governor and others. One more click will send the email and fax out to all.       B) If you trust Glenn and me that this campaign is meritorious, and don”t want to take the time to read all the back-up materials, CLICK HERE.  This will take you straight to the protest letter. Glenn and I are counting on you to make the voices of parents heard. Our goal is to generate 2,000 protests, which will enable our point of view to be heard when we send out follow-up press releases.

Next PAPA Meeting – Thursday, October 18 @ 7:00 p.m.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ParentsAgainstParentalAlienation/

WHAT: Next PAPA Meeting

WHEN: Thursday, July 19, 7:00 PM

WHERE: Framingham Civic League, 214 Concord Street (Rt.126) – Framingham, MA. We’re in a convenient location , just ten minutes from Mass Pike Exit 13 on Rt. 126. Bear right at the pike exit after tolls onto Route 30 Go about 3/4 of a mile to the light past the post office and make a left onto Concord Street (Rt.126.) Go over Rt.9, and #214 is the Framingham Civic League. There”s a lot just past the building.

COST: $20.00 or what you can afford. Refreshments served.

MODERATOR: Jeff Parks, LMFT — call (508)-561-8186 for information/directions

Dear Members and Supporters of Shared Parenting!

“Stress-busting” is the topic of our next PAPA Meeting. Please join us this Thursday as we discuss the STRESS of parenting, and how to use it in positive and productive ways. Under any circumstances parenting can be the toughest (and most rewarding) job going. For non-custodial parents, multiply the stressors and subtract the resources, and you see the challenges we face.

The October meeting will focus on parenting and self-care – the antidote to toxic stress. Many PAPA members have learned what it takes to care of ourselves in the most adverse of circumstances, and want to share it with you! Adversity, like stress, can teach us many lessons, starting with a realization that we are stronger, more resourceful, and most of all more loving than we know.

Achieving the best outcome for your children requires taking care of yourself. That”s no small task when you encounter the typical frustration and confusion resulting from thwarted efforts to protect and love your children. How do you honor the protective instinct and loving feelings you have when you”re being blamed for causing the problems to the one thing in life that”s most important to you? It”s no wonder so many non-custodial and alienated parents give up and go away.

At the meeting (as well as in our online listserv) you”ll be able to share your frustrations (most of our problems are common to others), and learn what you can do about them. There are strategies that work more effectively as many of us have learned, starting with in taking better care of ourselves. Our group works in part because we have members who are at different stages of separation/ divorce who have worked hard at learning what healthy coping is. Preserving our sanity in a world that is not very rational or safe often requires doing what is counter-intuitive. It”s often hard to believe, but it does get you to a better place in the role long run.

Our Meeting will offer you practical approaches to managing parenting stress in order to prevent and respond to PA/PAS. There are skills many of us have learned in being more patient as we increase our acceptance of the situations we cannot immediately change. We”ll discuss how to relax more effectively, maintain a rational response in the midst of an emotional storm, and really put the past in the past.

Being in the present is critical in coping with the pressures we face. We”ll discuss the importance of being organized and realistic in your expectations (starting with yourself). The importance of having balance in daily living and especially remembering to exercise cannot be understated, like having a proper diet and not abusing alcohol. Getting enough sleep in having a daily routine and as consistent a schedule as possible is also essential. Exceptions can be made for Red Sox playoff games.

I”ve learned that “what doesn”t kill you makes you stronger,’ but only if you realize that you are a work in progress. Making time to come to the meeting this week can benefit you and your child in ways that may be hard to see, but will prove to be real. Knowing that you”re not alone and that new, more successful strategies are possible is the best stress-buster of all.

PAPA meetings are open and we welcome newcomers to the meeting. You”ll be among friends who understand what you”re going through. We know how hard it is to be a warrior in the battle for the hearts and minds of our children. We”ve also learned that nothing in life is more important.

One more thing please. While the PAPA meetings are always on the third Thursday of the month, every Thursday except for the third week, I meet with fathers in an open group forum between 730 and 9:30 PM for a nominal fee. The meeting, at my office, 40 Speen Street in Framingham, brings together men looking to make the transitions in their family life as successful as possible. Please call me on my cell at (508)-561-8186 for more information regarding the fathers group or PAPA.

Thank you,
Jeff Parks.